The 3lack 3ox.

 Autumn Equinox 2024. [+] This blog begins on Glastonbury Tor.  High up - you can see for miles! It is understood as a magical place, the meeting point of many energy lines and forces. Many people come to stand there together.  No one single belief system rules, it is free and open to all.  Welcome! When I wrote the first post of this blog  [+]   I was in recovery from the therapy I'd received. Let me say that again, after therapy ended - I was in a bad way - because of therapy.  I felt powerless, and silenced.  Again. During the gaslighting [+]  that ended just two months before I started therapy, I had needed to ignore all and any thoughts or feelings that contradicted my husband's version of reality. If I allowed myself to take my thoughts and feelings seriously, I would try to find out the truth. And when I did that....let's just say it really wasn't worth it. My husband had been lying to me - is the short version - and I've no ...

Monday afternoon - quarter of an hour before my appointment. In my bag there is the Samhain recording The missing information  that I would have handed over last week I mean everything seems positive? Am I being hard on myself? I mean in some ways this is a great adventure Why do my insides feel as if they are made of water? I'm beginning to unravel. And this has certainly been an adventure, and it's been a year. A whole year! And really -------------- had such an effect. Everything made sense,  all the impressions, visions, the feelings. I don't wish to sound all P K Dick and the pink light  but there was something of this, in my experience. I think this is crazy. I just don't know. Part of me doesn't trust these feelings. And yet - what else is there to be done? Of course I should trust these feelings. I get out of the car and walk down the road to knock on his door... -- There is silence in his room. Just the sound of him moving about in the kitchen behind the ...

A bright sunny day really cold in my bag there is a card and a recording I made at Samhain The one in which I tell the story The story behind this story The Missing information Chit chat .  But how else could it be?  I  need therapy for my therapy -  OK, those thoughts lead nowhere!     Focus!  This is us being normal, ordinary people.  I'm here to share coffee, to hang out, to just talk with him about ideas.  As if it was normal!  No, no no!  Nothing here is normal!   I should change therapists.  But I could be asked by my course leader to give reasons for my decision.  Here is the imaginary email I could never send! Me - "Dear course leader - I need therapy for my therapy because I hoped that during our sessions he would come to realize that together we made the dark air between us scintillate with diamond-bright star light; that the cave like confines of his room was in actuality, space; open as the unive...

After several references in our sessions to how much he enjoyed coffee fuelled discussions at 3 am . After our discussions reminded him of all those coffee fuelled discussions he had so enjoyed at university at 3 am... I dared take this idea further. It was excruciatingly difficult - but carefully, gently and slowly I explained that we could do something with this idea. Something along the lines of, if we build it others will join...There would be more people, more ideas! So why was that so difficult to say? Because I was using 'we ', making he and I into an 'us'. And he has done this several times before in our conversations. So I shouldn't feel so uncomfortable? And each time 'us' has been in his sentences, in his meaning, I have held tight as if to a life raft. Each instant, each precious instant was rich with a subtle heat created by our verbal conjunction -  that melted my heart! I had dared to use 'we' and 'us' before, but only in ...

I'm wearing my purry, furry, fake leopard coat.  He says It reminds him of his childhood... Both of us laughing. He tries it on.  And then he says the strangest thing?  "I've never seen a coat like this in the flesh" Then - oh my heart! - he remarks so deliciously on my warmth seeping from the coat into his skin... "Goodness - you're warm!"  Just for a few seconds it is as if I have held him, breathing animal heat and a golden radiance into the void of darkness and separation, confronting the narrative that fixes us in time and space. And then, the spell is broken. But talking instead about music...lost music. As if heard in fairy hills...And then my assignment. He is telling me that the presenting issue a client brings is often like a thin crust over the real problem. And in response I divert us down an intellectual worm hole pursuing the importance of paradox in therapy - and more to the point - what would a meta dox be?  Here now in 2023 my ability to...

Paradoxical and confusing. He opens the door to me and right away he begins with,  chit-chat. Years away from this  - and I have many hours' experience of finding people who have arrived to talk with me, lost outside the building; in the rain, the sun, the wind. Some are anxious, some are smiling anticipating telling their story and needing to feel better, many people are confused - all just people, and hopes and fears.  And then into the peace of the therapy room... But I never begin with chit-chat about me. Ever. So what is happening? Of course I enjoy it, he's talking to me about him.  Like I'm being let in, just a tiny, tiny bit. And then he sits down and we are back to my research proposal, hooray! And he is very clear in his mind that a trauma in the present, confirms the trauma of the past.  A reanimation, that occurs not to resolve it - but to confirm it - because it feels normal.  Observing his way of thinking is like watching someone trying to ...

'Chit chat' he talks, tells me his news.  He starts with 'is there anything that you would like to explore'   and I reply with the same question. 'Is there something that you would like to explore? Adding 'or I will just ramble'  . Meaning I will be Tangential.... and that wont do for you! He  - There is something..." And he talks about the clients for whom therapy is really at an end but they still arrive each week to talk about their latest expedition to the supermarket.  Not a good sign. Why is he doing this - he's the one doing chit-chat, not me. He says - oh, but in your case therapy is mandatory... OK, here we are again! The door to the plane - he is trying to prise the door open!  Why doesn't he speak plainly, I feel pulled into guessing the implications of his words. I'm thinking that surely this is because he perceives how I feel about him, in his heart, in his very bones. And he can't, wont talk about it? As much as I empath...

He - "How are you"? Me - "I'm fine..." And I would say " Fine! Hey how are you"?   But I don't.  I've been told that I'm tangential, and if I talk it will be labyrinthine; long, coiling, discursive.  Tangential.   His silence, is wide open waiting.  Even though I do this silence thing myself too, I feel obliged to fill it. I go full tangential - I'm talking about episodic and autobiographical memory, and the work of Tulvig  and I know that anything like this is considered cold, and CBT, and he will see it as  tangential to the relational work of therapy.  But I have assignments to write, and I'm chasing Evan George's statement that 'our' work is to help people create future memories. I love that idea, future memories! That we step through past, future, present - to find the better in the past, to place instances of good memories into a functional sequence, coherent and believable and possible. Using memory is such ric...

As if I've stepped into in a spider's web. I dare not move... That which creates dizzying flights,  Desiring the moon... Will bring instead my Destruction. As a fox. I run! The hounds see movement. A flash of red. On fallen leaves, Darkens their teeth and matted fur  The awfulness of the last session. Frozen, and torn. Gives The death-blow to  Truth. He asks me - 'Two weeks ago. What happened?  Me -"My first thought is - is this a good idea going back to what happened? He is puzzled Me -"Why wouldn't it be a good idea - so the aim of this is what?" He says then we would find out what happened. I really, really do not think that this is a good idea! But he is going to do it! He begins to tell me why things were problematic for me! Me -"I need to stop you there. Things were not problematic for me, they were problematic for you. This is a problem for you.  Because I was in a situation that didn't make any sense to me. Suddenly I was in a situation...