The 3lack 3ox.

Late last night I caught a video of him teaching. I could only watch for a few minuites before the ache in my heart made me shut my eyes in pain, powerless to stop my tears. I switched the computer off. Tried to walk away from the cascade of feelings and thoughts. And woke today, back in Muxia, on the Costa da Morte. The desire is the same, to just go there - as quiet as a hare, to curl up by his door, to hope that the cold stills my heart as a I sleep beyond waking... Contrary to what he said about suicidal thoughts, I don't use such thinking to make my days bearable, I don't need to look at my end to feel alive. It is simple, I don't want to die, but nor do I want to live with this pain. I just want it to stop! Muxia is the red warning light on the dashboard, it indicates that something is very, very wrong. The image of myself, dead outside his front door hidden from the street by the darkness of the stone passageway shows me how I truly feel. I was shut out once 'the...

Well I wonder what it's going to be Progressive, regressive,  "I'm flattered" ? I'm sitting in the car watching people go by Listening to Nadja. Time to go... Luminous Rot by Nadja 3rd January 2022. His 'Hello, come in' sounds exactly the same as normal. No 'chit chat'...The sound of the spoon, of cups, things. Lots of stirring.  Spoon sounds in cups sounds... I'm talking about it being cold... He says the heating is on.  And so it begins. He tells me that he 'hadn't seen it coming' and that he hadn't listened to the recording until yesterday and so he had 'no idea'! Me - "No, you wouldn't have, because I'm good at containing my feelings. It's an important skill."  He tells me that our conversation could  be potentially. difficult and change a lot of things.  I agree - and divert it to focusing on what needs to be done, I really don't want to hear any theory... And as I speak, try...

20th July 2021. So, here it is.  The day after.  I'm never going to forget it, seeing you. You were looking up the road, looking for me.  Waving.  I waved back my most graceful wave and slowly raised a hand to shield my eyes from the powerful sun that was fizzling my world into glitter.  That walk. Oh I was slow, considered, graceful, I am beautiful - I try to believe that.  Feel, it. Know it... Trust. It took me hours to reach you. Slomo. Closer . Then I followed you, simply not seeing.  Totally gone.  I wasn't there.  Really!   I went to sit in the wrong place, therapists always sit closest to the door.  But there are two doors? And so I shifted as you said, 'sit anywhere' but I felt you move to the seat closest to the other door - my wordless interpretation is so fast! Outside of here - the hottest day.  Inside - here - your room.  Wooden floor.  We are cool inside an old house.  You asked me if I wanted ...