Definition of abuse.

Any interaction by one person, or a group of people that causes another person or people to experience meaningless - to them - physical, emotional or psychological pain becomes abuse when there is a refusal by a person, or a group of people to acknowledge the sufferer's experience and change the interaction from causing distress, to creating flow and the fulfilment of human needs.


I don't know who wrote this...

I copied and pasted it into my notes from FaceBook years ago. 

If it was you, let me know :-)

 

Abusers and oppressors live in a fantasy world that everything is fine and no harm is done. They force their victims to play a sort of theatre to comfort the abuser that their fantasy world is correct. When abusers or oppressors see counter-evidence to their fantasy world, they get defensive, lash out and attack. This can happen because someone intentionally speaks out against abuse, but it also happens if the victim unintentionally shows signs of the harm done to them - for example having bruises or showing symptoms of psychological illness. 

Victims must constantly be aware of two worlds - the real world and the abuser's fantasy world, which they must very carefully walk on eggshells to maintain in order to placate the abuser. In oppressive systems, a whole institution of people work together to maintain the fantasy and develop a complex set of strategies and theories to protect the fantasy and attack/silence anyone who shows signs that contradict the fantasy. 

This fantasy does not have internal logic, and varies from person to person or even from day to day. Victims of oppression must constantly be scanning and keeping track of each individual in power that they deal with, to understand the details of their current fantasy and ensure that they do not contradict it. Today the fantasy might be "The abuse didn't happen" but tomorrow the fantasy is "It happened but it was your fault." Victims must spend a great deal of stressful mental energy keeping track of these fantasies and reassuring abusers and oppressors that their current fantasy is correct.

The real tragedy is that this fantasy world is not just the abusers' fantasy, but also the bystanders' fantasy. Friends, family, teachers, doctors, police, mental health professionals are also heavily invested in maintaining the fantasy that abuse or rape is not happening. Acknowledging abuse or rape may make them feel obliged to take on a fight they don't want to take on, or consider their role in enabling it. So they also get defensive and lash out when something contradicts the fantasy. This is why victims wear make up to cover their bruises, smile through their depression, and resort to behaviour such as self-harm to release the rage that no one will allow them to express.

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