Mynx.

 1st February 2021 from my written journal: 

I was describing to Kit the moment when I first met the cold disdain my husband specialized in. And this still is a really painful memory. 

My husband and I were in a hotel room. 

We were hiding. 

He had just told his previous partner that it was all over. His family were in uproar. He couldn't face her bewilderment, pain and confusion. 

He'd been lying to her for how long? I'd thought that their relationship was over long before! That is what he had told me! She lived in another city, he never talked about her. I was busy, I had other things to do at the weekends, I only saw him during the week. 

I was deluding myself of course...

As I talked about this to Kit, I was feeling how numb and dumb I'd let myself be. The man I was going to marry was a liar - who wishes to acknowledge or confront that! And in my mind I was back there in the hotel room. We were watching Total Recall - and what I did, it wasn't even a sexual thing...I touched my husband and for no reason that made any sense to me, he turned away in anger. My shock at his response was absolute. I was powerless, bereft! The feeling he gave out was a cold, implacable, unspeakable rage. Nothing I could say could made it change. No forgiveness. There was no way to undo it, nothing I could do to make it right. I was shocked, bewildered. What had I triggered in him, why couldn't he speak?

I felt as if I was to blame for some literally unspeakable thing that had happened to him....as if someone had poured sewage over me.

As I told this to Kit, the feeling of that evening was seeping in to my present reality like cold, dirty water. I felt ashamed of myself...and as if no one could forgive me. I was feeling as my husband had felt? And psychically, I was there watching this happen to me again. As I described this I needed to be with a 'trusted companion'. Someone who I trusted to be on my side. I was starting to untangle a pattern that would repeat over and over for the twenty-five years of our marriage as I tried different ways to avoid or talk to, or to appease my husband's cold rage..

Talking to Kit I closed my eyes to focus on the sensation, to recognize, to know. And then I looked up!

[From my written journal]

I looked up, Kit's head was to one side, he said "The way you raised your one eyebrow as you described that, I thought..."and a smile widened across his face "minx.". When he called me a minx, his smile, his tone of voice hit me like a bolt of lightning. Waves of shock and pleasure took me momentarily - I was on fire. ."

This bolt of complex feelings leads to subspace. The body responds faster than the mind. Psychologically the power of this can be catastrophic if we do not understand it, the problem is that we are taught that only love or desire can make us respond sexually. 

Eros has a subterranean, chthonic aspect, disconnected from love called subspace, characterized by a loss of personal boundaries, the loss of self. 

Subspace can be a pure bliss of unity, or a dismembering void. I believe it to be a survival protocol, hard wired into our autonomic nervous system. 

But, calling a client a minx?

 minx in British English

(mɪŋks ) noun. a bold, flirtatious, or scheming woman. Collins English Dictionary.

I imagine that as Kit listened he thought that he was seeing my true intention in just that split second before my husband turned so cold; he probably thought that he was reflecting the real, playful me

Kit probably expected that his 'positive reframing' (?) would help me recast myself as flirtatious in that memory. Instead I experienced shock, misalignment, mis-attunement. He was smiling at me, saying in effect  'you are bold and flirtatious' in response to me in the present. 

But for me it was as if he'd been there, and we are now here..and my body responded to him now. I felt that he would have laughed and loved me, enjoying what I did - I would have been safe with him. 

And that need to feel safe was so overwhelming. I wanted this man! I wanted the trusted companion who dared go to this place with me, the one who would laugh, call me a minx and not turn away, not be so cruel and empty...

Minx though - synchronicity! I have twenty years and more of playing Quake 3.

Here ends Part One.