Beginning...Stage 1: Understand.

 From the recording of the session after I'd given him the mp3.

Tasks:
  1. Extract key words, concepts.
  2. Clarify the desired outcomes.
  3. Words marked like this *word* are quotes.
Aims:
  1. To understand what we were both saying.
  2. Identify misalliances.
  3. Notice themes that will repeat...
Desired outcome.

Ideas and beliefs have consequences.

Identify what went so wrong

First round A.

1. - T (therapist) I thought, when I read the card <pause>I wont remember.
2. - I didn't expect this at all.
O - (outcome) T I'm telling you that I had no idea...

1. - M (me) I partition/hold/contain things, an important skill. 
2. - I am assessing, this is liminal.
O. - M We are at 'the edge' within the unknown, please trust me.

3. - T I imagine this could change a lot of things and be difficult.
3. - M it could be - what needs to be done?
O. - M Situation redefined, not necessarily difficult. Power 'handed back' what do you want to change?

4. - T I'm always a therapist.
4. - M Need for assessment of this situation.
O. -M request for assessment, exploration.

5. -  T *regardless of what you say*.
5. - M this has been difficult for me, I'm good at 'containing', this is a liminal space.
O. - M Defining what I need, reassurance, I want there to be trust.

6. - T no possibility of other forms of relationship, only therapy.
6. - M everything changes.
O. - T it is not possible for you to have any other role in my life.

7. -T  this never ends.
7. -M therapy ends
O. - T it is not possible for you to have any other role in my life.

8. - T*clients come back* (script).
8. - M *you are talking about you*.
O. - M Not possible to see myself as a forever client.

A. - There is no exploration and no acknowledgment that this situation has been difficult for me. I'm being asked to accept that he is unable to think about the situation in any other way:
  • He tells me that he had no idea about my feelings.
  • Nothing can change *regardless* (of what I feel, believe, need or want)
  • Because *clients come back*.
I could have accepted a reason that came from the heart. Instead his reply tells me I'm a forever client or nothing.

Second round B.

Passing of The Hot Potato.

See Fanita English..

1. - T Why now?
1. - M to be in align with my own need for integrity honesty, curiosity, levelling up, assessing, looking for best path through this.
O. - M Understanding this situation.

2. - T A lot of thresholds *being crossed*.
2. - M [I react to 'being crossed'] No, it is volitional. a choice, refusal to ignore.
O. - M I felt attacked.

3. -  T this raises a *fundamental question*
4. - a therapist *crossed the boundary*.
5. - it affected me.
6. - *it's really important for me to maintain those boundaries*
7. -  is it viable to keep seeing me with that boundary in place, or will it be too painful for you?
O. - Role reversal, 'understand me' - attempt to pass a Hot Potato.
'Hot potato' usually signifying that blame or unwelcome responsibilities have been passed on from the one who is supposed to carry them onto a relatively innocent recipient... Donors tend to be Type II "Oversure" types. They are dominant, rigid, and highly defended. They function excessively with a Parent ego state from an "I'm Ok you're not Ok" position. But underneath this facade they may have a very anxious Child and a fear of being exposed as less superior than they claim to be. Hence the need to get rid of any indications of flaws or inferiority..
The intended recipient is invited (or made!) to see, hear and empathize with the donor's emotions around the 'hot potato'. The top layer emotions are a plea, a desire for the hearer's understanding, and a 'be reasonable'. The emotions underneath are not going to be good; shame and fear, primal feelings of powerlessness. 
A therapists 'crossed the line' and now you can see how terrible the effect is!
That word *crossed* was used to describe me in line 2. 'A lot of thresholds *being crossed*. Also I felt as if he was demonstrating the terrible result of such crossings, to prove why I must agree with him. But I have no idea what actually happened about this therapist, or what boundary, or why any of this! Or even if I'd have felt about it as he did? Whatever had happened had affected him and at the time it felt like he was going to do a similar amount of damage to me by telling me to go, unless I accepted the Holy truth and power of his demonstration of the effect of crossing boundaries.

Suddenly the hot potato was in my lap, metaphorically speaking, I've picked up his emotions - I guess 'hot potato' is  conscious countertransference. But the donor needs the recipient to understand the story and to feel responsible for causing the speaker's feelings.

Anyway, I'm trying to put the potato down somewhere safely, I do not want to hold on to it! But, I felt attacked, judged. 

The outcome was word salad.

I could not respond to his question at first, instead I said how I felt - which thinking about it was quite brave! And I told him the truth, that I need to know how *someone thinks* before I can decide what to do.

Section C.

The mystery.

1. - M I've felt like this for a year so nothing has changed.
1. - T *It doesn't mean that you can do another one*.
O. - T 'give up!'

2. - M  Does it not [challenge!]
2. - T  *You've done a year with me not knowing, but now I know that might change things* 
O. - He is alluding to his feelings.

I have no idea what he is talking about so I can't comment! Is this a 'dog's can't look up' manoeuvre? An attempt to use the power of contradiction and confusion to help a person accept a new truth?

3. - M how can I tell you that I am a trustworthy person?
3. T - I'm not asking a question about trust.
O. - M I need him to acknowledge that I'm not crossing any thresholds or pushing any boundaries.

4. - T I wasn't asking a question about your trustworthiness, I was more thinking about ..
4. - I interrupt  *it's part of the equation*
4. - T the question was about your emotional state.
O. -M  I'd requested missing information about how he felt about me, without that information I would be stuck (still am!).

Section D.

'Give me your emotions'!

1. - M Grief.
1. - T *And are you suggesting that me, holding the boundary is another grief?*
 <RED FLAG> 
1. - M No! not you....

OK, well my take on this is that he was doing something my husband would do. Namely, try to get me to be emotional so that he could then throw up his hands and say 'see how irrational and out of order you are!' I've no idea if that is happening here. I dare not risk it!

O. - M psychodynamic waffle to give him reassurance that under no circumstances could my grief be associated in any way with what he was saying to me or his tone of voice, absolutely out of the question.

2, - T Best, *one step at the time* then? 
2. - M keep it here and now.
O. - Agreement?

3. - T. I'm finding it ever so difficult to know whether to ask the questions. 
3. - it is normally the right thing to do because we would be talking about things happening out there.
3. - we are talking about something happening in here.
O. - M He wants to ask questions about here and now.

4. - M we are two people drinking coffee.
4. - T having a conversation where I'm saying no. 
O. - M trying to get me to respond with emotion.

5. - M there are other ways to approach feelings with fragile people.
5. - T *That's what I see as a potential sticking point* - in therapy *nothing is off the table*.
O. - M there is only one way, his way, to talk about feelings.

6. - T what was it like coming here 
6. - M Wim Hof breath hold.
O. - M controlled panic, facing death.

Return to section C question 2.

1. - T 5 months of 'we don't know what yet'.
1. - M  no change.
O. - M zero change for me, I know nothing about his feelings!

2. - T now I know makes a big difference.
2. - M you are the missing person!
O. - M talking to me from 'therapist' putting me in client role means I don't get answers to questions!

3. - M talking to me from therapy role is a problem - I have to 'deduce meaning' from the questions you ask me. 
3. - T what do you mean have to deduce meanings?
3. - M You try to find out something from me but I can't find out things from you
O. - the role of therapist creates a power dynamic that destroys communication.

4. - T *That's how it works* <laugh>
4. - I'm not a client.
4. - I don't hide things from myself!
4. - I don't need to be given space to speak and hear my own thoughts.
O. - M I feel kicked over the edge, I'm scrambling to find a hand hold on the rock as I go over...

5. - T therapy is a profoundly unequal relationship. It has to be that way because the client is the one with the unresolved stuff.
5. - When the therapy is over and the client is still there it becomes *chit chat*
5. -  There's a me that isn't a therapist I don't bring that to this room.
5. - M That's your brother.
O. - T 'you can't have my brother'!

Followed by a conversation in which he rubbishes counselling because he is a psychotherapist, rubbishes the post modern therapies, and makes out in as many ways as possible that I don't  know what I'm talking about

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