The letter:
Take the little end off the recorder and use as a USB, it holds an MP3 file - a recording made on the 1st November 2021.
This MP3 file is for you.
I had returned home around 7 pm , and I sat down to write.
For Halloween / Samhain is a time of ghosts; a perfect time to reflect on the shades and shadows of the half known, the unknown, and to clarify - for I am aware of the undertow, how the unsaid may be isolated but rarely 100% insulated and so it is a part of all our interactions.
As I finished writing it was past Midnight. My mind was full of Yeats; thoughts of The Golden Dawn, of poetry and mystery, and how to draw a tender thought and feeling into Air, through movement into word.
I wish to fix this moment into time, make it part of a continuity.
Missing information snapping into place sometime future.
Now.
The reason?
To make sense of what is...
I have courage enough - and yet?
The only reason I'm not running away from this is that I know Eugene Gendlin was right - that "what is true is already true" and saying or not saying wont change that - but I chose to speak because I respect your feelings.
Take the little end off the recorder and use as a USB, it holds an MP3 file - a recording made on the 1st November 2021.
This MP3 file is for you.
I had returned home around 7 pm , and I sat down to write.
For Halloween / Samhain is a time of ghosts; a perfect time to reflect on the shades and shadows of the half known, the unknown, and to clarify - for I am aware of the undertow, how the unsaid may be isolated but rarely 100% insulated and so it is a part of all our interactions.
As I finished writing it was past Midnight. My mind was full of Yeats; thoughts of The Golden Dawn, of poetry and mystery, and how to draw a tender thought and feeling into Air, through movement into word.
I wish to fix this moment into time, make it part of a continuity.
Missing information snapping into place sometime future.
Now.
The reason?
To make sense of what is...
I have courage enough - and yet?
The only reason I'm not running away from this is that I know Eugene Gendlin was right - that "what is true is already true" and saying or not saying wont change that - but I chose to speak because I respect your feelings.
See you on the 3rd January 2022.
Samhain 2021.
I fell in love with your brother well that is to say I was swept away in a tide of limerence it began - and Yeats would approve - with a vision.
I mean to act as if limerence is more than limerence is foolish.
I've no idea how my request for you to be my mentor made things so heavy -but it did.
And and after the crash, which was a mixture of my feelings and a lot of crossed wires because I couldn't be straight about my feelings because this is therapy and it's not appropriate for me to give off the signals I would be giving off if it wasn't therapy - this information that could be expressed by the statement that I am in love with your brother - has caused all sorts of whirlpools and eddies, and the word hysteresis comes to mind.
And so this recording is the missing piece of the puzzle.
Though this - my feelings for you - aren't ending.
This is instead of ending - because why would I, how could I say goodbye?
What happens next is open.
Anyway it is late and my eyes are closing.
No more blast doors to prevent my feelings from leaking out.
I fell in love with your brother well that is to say I was swept away in a tide of limerence it began - and Yeats would approve - with a vision.
For my therapy with you would have ended
in October 2021, but by December I was intrigued, and that part of me that seeks to know, that picks up on the unsaid, suddenly created a vision while you were speaking. We were on pilgrimage together, walking to Santiago de Compostela, the Camino, and the vision was brief. You were talking, in real life, on Zoom - you were talking about not caring too much for organized religion.
But this image though fleeting was stronger than your words.
And I was puzzled by what I'd seen because it didn't make sense until December when Google linked me to ------- - and I was lost in limerence.
So obviously that was a problem - this is therapy! I am not supposed to feel this way about you or if I do it is supposed to be some sort of transference - all those things were a possibility - But there is no easy way to shrink or reconcile or step out.
And I was puzzled by what I'd seen because it didn't make sense until December when Google linked me to ------- - and I was lost in limerence.
So obviously that was a problem - this is therapy! I am not supposed to feel this way about you or if I do it is supposed to be some sort of transference - all those things were a possibility - But there is no easy way to shrink or reconcile or step out.
Cupid's Arrow was lodged deep in my heart.
And so I rode the waves as best I could, unsure and unable to judge.
I mean to act as if limerence is more than limerence is foolish.
But also to treat it as if it is nothing is cruel and also foolish.
My way is to treat myself kindly.
So I decided the best thing to do was assess after meeting face-to-face because all our meetings up till then had been via zoom. But my feelings did not shrink, diminish or change. A part of me is watching these one-sided conversations and it is really alien and wrong for me not to ask questions of somebody else, not to find out about the other person. So while one part of me was feeling alienated the other part was assessing and judging and making the best of and to try to be as straight as possible and to say that I could not be your client. And I did say this is a dual relationship (email about mentor/mentee). Of course I didn't say more than that - of course (?) - I mean there is no of course! I am trying to work out what is real, what is false, so I am playing my cards close to my chest as usual.
Anyway I felt that I really needed to know what it was like to be face-to-face because it was painful not being able to assess my real feelings, or rather again there was just too much missing and I couldn't tell what was real at all.
But in retrospect - of course it was all real.
Anyway I felt that I really needed to know what it was like to be face-to-face because it was painful not being able to assess my real feelings, or rather again there was just too much missing and I couldn't tell what was real at all.
But in retrospect - of course it was all real.
And what was lacking was you.
I couldn't tell how you felt about me and I thought that would be easier to decide and to understand, to assess face-to-face.
But I was so wrong.
I probably just seemed weird.
I felt as if I was surrounded by an electromagnetic energy shield and it meant that I could not let my energy into the room and therefore I could not sense yours's properly.
And all I know is, limerence did not get any less - and I wondered why you didn't ask me directly about my feelings - but then I hid most of what I am because, as I said before, I couldn't bear the probability or the possibility of you dismissing my feelings by assuming that it was all about vulnerability and an effect of UPR. My feelings for you are what they are despite the counselling stuff - and I had tried to tell you that I did not want you to be therapeutic. What I didn't say is how much it hurt not being able to talk to you about you.
And all I know is, limerence did not get any less - and I wondered why you didn't ask me directly about my feelings - but then I hid most of what I am because, as I said before, I couldn't bear the probability or the possibility of you dismissing my feelings by assuming that it was all about vulnerability and an effect of UPR. My feelings for you are what they are despite the counselling stuff - and I had tried to tell you that I did not want you to be therapeutic. What I didn't say is how much it hurt not being able to talk to you about you.
I've no idea how my request for you to be my mentor made things so heavy -but it did.
And and after the crash, which was a mixture of my feelings and a lot of crossed wires because I couldn't be straight about my feelings because this is therapy and it's not appropriate for me to give off the signals I would be giving off if it wasn't therapy - this information that could be expressed by the statement that I am in love with your brother - has caused all sorts of whirlpools and eddies, and the word hysteresis comes to mind.
And so this recording is the missing piece of the puzzle.
And if you are listening to it - which you must be - but you know, I'm here right now imagining, and maybe this is just going to be on my hard drive for a while and you will never hear. Who knows what the future holds! But anyway if you are listening to this recording this is the missing piece of the puzzle. And if you are listening to it, my feelings for you have not diminished but I've either reached a threshold of pain through not being able to talk freely, or for some other reason, or I finished my course and ended therapy.
Though this - my feelings for you - aren't ending.
This is instead of ending - because why would I, how could I say goodbye?
What happens next is open.
Anyway it is late and my eyes are closing.
I want to know you.
I want to be able to just talk .
But this recording means that I can only see you again if you invite me to do so, and I can only come as myself.
But this recording means that I can only see you again if you invite me to do so, and I can only come as myself.
No more blast doors to prevent my feelings from leaking out.
END OF TRANSCRIPT.
I ended the recording with this song.
--
I'd just bought the song 'Sister Green eyes' by Josefin Öhrn + The Liberation to add - when a message came from my friend - telling me that her friend had been found dead. Later, I heard that the freind had committed suicide after telling someone that she was in love with him and his rejection was too much.
Eros...is not a frivolous, or minor thing.
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