Face to face. 20th July 2021.


20th July 2021.

So, here it is. 
The day after. 
I'm never going to forget it, seeing you.
You were looking up the road, looking for me. 

Waving. 

I waved back my most graceful wave and slowly raised a hand to shield my eyes from the powerful sun that was fizzling my world into glitter. 

That walk.
Oh I was slow, considered, graceful, I am beautiful - I try to believe that. 
Feel, it.
Know it...

Trust.

It took me hours to reach you.

Slomo.

Closer .

Then I followed you, simply not seeing. 
Totally gone. 
I wasn't there. 
Really!  

I went to sit in the wrong place, therapists always sit closest to the door. 
But there are two doors?

And so I shifted as you said, 'sit anywhere' but I felt you move to the seat closest to the other door - my wordless interpretation is so fast!

Outside of here - the hottest day. 

Inside - here - your room. 
Wooden floor. 
We are cool inside an old house. 

You asked me if I wanted a drink, I asked for water. 
You asked me if I wanted some cider vinegar in it. 

I thought 'what is this! 
Like squash?! 
Hope my face didn't betray my thinking. 

My mind was spinning like a tiny twig caught in the swirl of water spiraling, as I hear you run the tap.

What I imagine between words, will break me, 

Because the last four years make me feel as if I've been shot in the head and I'm going to say the stupidest things. You will now see in real-world clarity how I'm not a fit person for the team.

And I can't do a damn thing about it! 
Except try to slow my mind down. 
Come on! 
Surely here, now! 
 CALM FOR GODS SAKE! 
BE CALM!!!
+
Back home, trying to write. 
The night dissolving into darkness, as my mind's rusty gears trying to turn memory into narrative - a beautiful moth flew in to the living room, perching on the painting high up on the wall. 

I caught it!

A delicate, beautiful lunar moth!

I put it outside. 
But about 15 minutes later another, or the same one, flew into the room, perching even higher up the wall.

I caught it 
Put it out 
Shut the window.

The night like a heavy woollen blanket. 
I went to bed. 
2. am. unable to sleep.



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