Sending the words back!

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Not an easy thing to do.

And I found myself walking past his house three times, stopping, staring up at the sky, asking myself - is this right?

It was hard to do.

Tears in my eyes, and the bitter, cold wind.

But in the end, just returning to my car would be keeping everything the same - I'd have thought less of myself, to respect myself I have to take action - there seemed no other way.

It is the 3rd of January, and I have just returned from walking the dark passageway up to his front door and posting my final broken sound recorder through the letter box, silently - I didn't let it fall. 

I really didn't want him to hear me...

The envelope was sealed - and I wrote on the back of it:

I give you back your words because I do not wish to remember.

Inside the envelope, the voice recorder containing three sound files, transcripts - the blog posts - and a hastily written DOC file:

3rd January 2025.

After you called me a minx - see end of this document. I decided it was important for me to know what was actually said during our sessions and so I made recordings. I wasn’t going to request this, it was non-debatable. Truth is important to me. Please note, you have nothing in your contract about recording.

During the last couple of years I have considered many times the possibility of making a formal complaint against you, for failing to pick up on a safeguarding issue, failing to reflect - or take into account the emotional content of my dialogue, for minimizing the emotional impact of events, for actually laughing. And undermining my ability as a student.

The most serious indictment is your refusal to acknowledge that perhaps I wasn’t seeing things the way you imagined? And that it might be beneficial if we both had a clearer view of our meanings and intentions. The command to ‘never contact you again’ is actually the most compelling reason to complain to your professional body.

I have chosen not to do this.

The recordings were vital for me, I know what you said. I can understand your point of view. Regardless, you chose to speak down to me and to avoid emotions. Now you have a choice, you can learn and do better for others, or carry on defending.

You are welcome of course to respond, in which case I will respond - but otherwise I will not contact you again.

I added three un-edited sound files, plus transcripts (with 'the client's feelings and opinions included) 

If he copy and pastes into Google, he will find this blog, and I'm fine with that. I believe the content analysis says enough. The recordings back up my observations. 

So , we often suggest that our clients write the letter when facing unhealed, chronic, systematic injustice. To give words, a voice to the stuck and un-sayable things. But it hasn't been enough to write this blog  I think I'm going to say....that writing is only the beginning, if the other is still alive; that there needs to be a further step. Writing this blog has clarified for me the structure of what was hurting and harmful, and in naming it and understanding the dynamic, I felt confident enough to send his words back...to undo the fish-hook quality of them. And it had to be literally played physically out in a safe enough way

We will see!

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