The 3lack 3ox.

The 3lack 3ox is full of recordings - and the content is being released into the public domain. GDPR laws mean that the original transcripts containing Kit’s words have been scheduled for publishing. I've listened to my fears. I've cast the original, and whole posts over into 2065 / 2066 , they have been scheduled to post forty years in the future. Both Kit and I will be dead by then, I'm pretty sure of that! I guess we are both in our 60s now. It has taken me all day - to hastily edit all the transcripts - I am completely drained, listening to Swans - The Seer - on repeat! It has made me cry to do this. The being dead part, is hard. The lunacy of this situation too. But, there are some positives to this massacre of the posts - the edited transcripts are all online. Primarily it now means that what I write is all me as far as a reader is concerned. That I can tell the story entirely from my own point of view. The actual dialogue in the future posts - gives the reader a fla...

Late last night I caught a video of him teaching. I could only watch for a few minuites before the ache in my heart made me shut my eyes in pain, powerless to stop my tears. I switched the computer off. Tried to walk away from the cascade of feelings and thoughts. And woke today, back in Muxia, on the Costa da Morte. The desire is the same, to just go there - as quiet as a hare, to curl up by his door, to hope that the cold stills my heart as a I sleep beyond waking... Contrary to what he said about suicidal thoughts, I don't use such thinking to make my days bearable, I don't need to look at my end to feel alive. It is simple, I don't want to die, but nor do I want to live with this pain. I just want it to stop! Muxia is the red warning light on the dashboard, it indicates that something is very, very wrong. The image of myself, dead outside his front door hidden from the street by the darkness of the stone passageway shows me how I truly feel. I was shut out once 'the...

Muxia is the final destination of the Compostela. Late last night I caught a video of him teaching. I could only watch for a few minuites before the ache in my heart made me shut my eyes in pain, powerless to stop my tears. I switched the computer off. Tried to walk away from the cascade of feelings and thoughts. And woke today, back in Muxia, on the Costa da Morte. The desire is the same, to just go there - as quiet as a hare, to curl up by his door, to hope that the cold stills my heart as a I sleep beyond waking... Contrary to what he said about suicidal thoughts, I don't use such thinking to make my days bearable, I don't need to look at my end to feel alive. I am far more simple than that, I don't want to die, but nor do I want to live with this pain. I just want it to stop! Muxia is the red warning light on the dashboard, it indicates that something is very, very wrong.  The image of myself, dead outside his front door hidden from the street by the darkness of the sto...

Quote taken from this source.  [+]   All we know for sure from the various writers of the past, such as Homer, Aeschylus, Virgil and Euripides, is that Cassandra will never be believed.  No matter how real and true her words.  Nor will anyone ever believe even after it has happened, that she had known how things would be. But why Cassandra came to suffer so, the writers of this sad story do not agree. Simply put, Cassandra was  cancelled  by the God Apollo. Nietzsche in  The Birth of Tragedy (1872) contrasts Apollo as a God of light and knowledge - calm and reason, with Dionysus as a God of ecstatic emotions and drunken rampage. But the story of Cassandra and Apollo does not support this simple division. This story was written in a time when   Greek society valued hypermasculinity. A time when sexual expression was defined by status, not gender, not love. A free male Greek citizen was at the top of society and women only one notch above slav...

It has been three years since I recorded the mp3 to tell him about how I feel about him. And three years awareness of how my requests for open and honest dialogue were ignored.  I'm still thinking about some of his inappropriate responses to the emotions I felt when I spoke with him; such as how he laughed as I spoke about being paralysed by horror and fear.   If you are reading this blog, you know that he refused any kind of resolution or mediation process. So I chose to publish my therapy sessions. The transcripts are scheduled for 2065.  This hasn't been an easy decision to make.  A part of me remains uneasy about it.  The alternative? I seriously considered making an official and formal complaint. Now, in October 2024 we are about eight months away from it being too late for that as there is a three year window.  Actually I'm not sure, I may have more time?  And yet the reasons why I don't see complaint as the right thing, remain exactly the same n...

 Autumn Equinox 2024. [+] This blog begins on Glastonbury Tor.  High up - you can see for miles! It is understood as a magical place, the meeting point of many energy lines and forces. Many people come to stand there together.  No one single belief system rules, it is free and open to all.  Welcome! When I wrote the first post of this blog  [+]   I was in recovery from the therapy I'd received. Let me say that again, after therapy ended - I was in a bad way - because of therapy.  I felt powerless, and silenced.  Again. During the gaslighting [+]  that ended just two months before I started therapy, I had needed to ignore all and any thoughts or feelings that contradicted my husband's version of reality. If I allowed myself to take my thoughts and feelings seriously, I would try to find out the truth. And when I did that....let's just say it really wasn't worth it. My husband had been lying to me - is the short version - and I've no ...

Plato believed that Eros is the desire that can lead us to a Higher truth wrapped within mystery, and Jung agreed. Meanwhile Freud had grabbed the scissors snipping cruelly at Eros... until there was nothing but blood and feathers falling around him like rubies and snow.   I am certain that many of psychotherapy's best theories and explanations are a continuation of much older concepts and ideas - repackaged so as to appear new.  So when ever Kit talked about fantasy 'with a PH '' I was trying to recall Ioan P Couliano's book:  Eros and Magic in the Renaissance.   Of course I wanted our sessions to lead us both to 'higher truths', and encounters with deeper mystery. This is the promise of love after all! But Kit, though seeped in mediaeval lore, and with a comprehensive knowledge of Christianity regarded therapy as disconnected from Eros - or he purposefully kept our conversations so. I mentioned Couliano several times in our sessions, and Kit didn't s...

December 2024. When I began processing my therapy sessions last year (2023) my aim was to understand how my feelings for Kit came about, and  why it ended so badly.  And the end really was bad. I don't honestly know how I had the strength to walk out of his room, I felt so defeated, so crushed. To understand and answer these questions I re-entered the dialogues, my thoughts and feelings, and over the year 2023, I documented the therapy sessions 2021-2022. Most of them, not all. Some are too boring, or I accidently missed one out.  The will be published on this blog in 2065. The fascinating thing is, that as I went through the dialogues I became aware of feeling so defeated, so crushed, by something unknown, unseen! In this case, X is the something, underlying Kit's entrenched beliefs. I can see the effect of X in the dialogues, in the way that it is as if Kit was unable to hear or consider the validity of my theories, and X - if found - it will help explain why his ...

 Only one thing left to do now. To change the publish dates of these blogged words. And leave this blog to be found. Or  do I carry on? To stay with it, learn more, to speak up for other clients who receive well meaning lectures. Aversive, defensive in-humane... ending in Erasure. + But - there is only one choice from this moment onwards.. To live, to carry on. Because This happens to others too. + Yet in one layer of the multiverse I'm no longer here. In the other layer  I took all the sleeping pills and died  outside his door,  huddled cold on stone,  cold. My heart finally stilled. No drama, just the truth of it.  -- These words were at are the end. (semi-psychotic visions - written the evening after the final session May 2022...) [+] The reference to 'rescuing Jesus' in this poem relates to my sense that both he and I will inevitably be crucified by this experience - unless we find a way to prevent, the agony and pain born from our miscommunicatio...

13th February 2024. I believe that what happened to me is too important to be ignored.  I also believe that technically speaking, this subject is too personal, and it should be confidential - and absolutely not put in a blog!  But this feeling of embarrassment, this feeling of  I shouldn't say it, is full of shame and guilt actually, but ultimately I have to ask myself, is my sense of shame and guilt, my silence doing any good?  Silence contributes to maintaining the problem - silence prevents things changing, silence - my silence - cuts off any possibility of learning how to make improvements.  Clearly I think that this information should be in the public domain, as much information as possible actually.  I wrote to Kit to open up dialogue. Recent emails. 13th February 2024. If there is emotion, something matters. I trust in the beauty and dignity in expressing need, and I see an innate value in communication. Making a request is about finding a way to me...

It has taken me almost two years to admit the obvious. I don't want to say that I'm a victim, but his reaction to my honesty was harmful - I was harmed. What makes this even more significant is that I was harmed by therapy.  It is a therapist's responsibility to know what is going on within his or herself, and not let it 'contaminate' sessions.  And without recordings...would I know this? Wouldn't I simply have blamed myself, called myself a fantasist, thought that there was something desperately wrong with me? I've done that before, I am bound to do it again. This is why I recorded our sessions. Without recordings there is no way on earth I could ever process this! He has no intention of ever speaking of it, and though I honestly believe that I should make an official complaint, I don't think he is in any fit state to cope with it.  Or, that's what he want's me to believe? But during our sessions, what was going on in his mind? There were times ...

OK, this is hard - I need to dig deep. The pain of it is almost beyond my endurance, and yet at the same time I am above, observing, watching and recording. The pain is like wearing a dress made of nettles. And so I turn towards it, embrace it  and connect. Holding out my hand I ask into the empty air, 'what is your name? ' In the roiling blackness of the void I hear the words  'I am your intoxication'.  Gently I ask the pain, what do you need?  My hand touches something cold and rough, like shark's skin. And below me deep under an ocean of tears and a crimson gush of my heart's-blood, the words 'love and soul ' boil, radiant and poisonous as a nuclear flash. The sun turns blue, a 'vision' of Cherenkov light, 'the blue sun' I'd seen in my semi-psychotic state when I had left the therapy room for the last time. "love and soul..." Returning from inside to out, directing my vision to the keyboard, to the soft white light of th...

3rd February 2024. I would never have believed how difficult it is to write a request to see my therapy notes, if I hadn't tried.  And failed. I just can't find the words. It should be done - it makes sense for me to do this. What gets in the way of just asking, is the second guessing, and the rich cocktail of emotions I'm almost knocked out by; a mixture of sadness, anger and futility. OK, I know it, I know what I'm doing, I'm second guessing how he will feel to read the request, and I don't want to be the catalyst that opens up those feelings. And sure, I'm second guessing that his reply - if he replies - will be to ask me why? I do not wish to answer that question.  Not because I have any need for secrecy, or feel that he shouldn't know why. But simply because it is over stepping the mark. He isn't my therapist, I'm not asking for therapy. I just want to get a 360 degree crash report.  So, if this were me, and a client asked me for my notes a...

And so I find myself marooned - to stay with the plane crash metaphor - I've just watched Society of the Snow . And as in the film, as in the awful reality of those real events, action must be taken. There will be no rescue otherwise, no getting out.  So what action do I want to happen? In counselling, and between counsellors, what counts as resolution is usually an apology of about a thousand words. Those words need to convey to the injured other, a real understanding of the harm done, and a heartfelt regret. And how I manage to convey to Kit that this demonstration of awareness is appropriate and needed. How to do this? I don't know.  Yet. Do I make a formal complaint? The first option is to get in contact with the therapist and explain that there is a problem, and ask for some kind of resolution to be worked out. If that isn't forthcoming, if the therapist doesn't acknowledge that there has been and still is a problem, then a complaint is justified. A therapist who ...

26th January 2024. It is difficult to explain how powerless I still feel about this situation. I can't think for the life of me what empowered could mean. Again I'm struck by the uselessness of understanding . I understand the reasons for the crash. Worse, I also understand what I could have done right - that is a hard thing to deal with! I also understand the truth of the idea - that what I'm not changing I'm choosing. But empowered?  I can't get to an understanding of that at all! I simply don't have a clue. Right now I'm working on The Black-Box.   As close a thing to a real black box as I can imagine, putting the pages I wrote last year together to be stored here as this blog. Does doing this make me feel empowered?  No.  As Huberman said, "Anxiety makes children of us all" . Kit would explain to me how he would recognise and speak to the Child in his clients; and this was something I always found hard to take. Not least because his responses ...