Denial.

It has taken me almost two years to admit the obvious.

I don't want to say that I'm a victim, but his reaction to my honesty was harmful - I was harmed. And it is a therapist's responsibility to know what is going on within his or herself, and not let it 'contaminate' sessions. 

There were times when he may have hinted that he guessed?

But somehow he could never actually say it or ask me...?

How or why is that possible!

It doesn't automatically indicate denial though - A supervisor once told me that 'the best therapist never needs to ask a question!' That didn't work out well in our sessions! I believe on the contrary  that asking a straight question demonstrates trust in oneself and the client! 

But really - isn't this all his transference and my countertransference?

I pick up his feelings and feel them as if they are my feelings....And I couldn't get clarity because I'm not the therapist! 

In his room I felt so blocked, so confined, so unable to ask him for his feelings or to describe what was happening to him, so I just couldn't get a clear enough picture.

The awful feeling of dissonance kept reoccurring.

And when I couldn't stand any more of it and was clear about my feelings, his reaction was to explain over and over that he hadn't known, and how could I ever imagine that he could feel that way about me!

Reaction formation.

I need to get clarity - I needed it then, I still need it!

So I have just written to him:

I value you as a person, for your intellect and knowledge, I cherish the potential of a continuing dialogue. I wish to honour the harm that has occurred to both of us, through gaining information - a prerequisite for the creation of knowledge. 

But.

Awareness is core to the accuracy with which we interpret another person's motives. The imputed motive organises our perception of their behaviour. I interpret your interpretation/explanation of my feelings as 'transgressive' as simplistic, dismissive; and your refusal to talk honestly, as avoidant. 

I believe that your surprise when I communicated my feelings about you (to you) indicated a lack of awareness. I have reason to raise the possibility of a similar underlying dynamic in other sessions with other clients - in the past - and unless your awareness is increased, it will occur again in the future.  

Can't say that I like my tone of voice, but what if I am correct?