Denial.

It has taken me almost two years to admit the obvious.

I don't want to say that I'm a victim, but it is a therapist's responsibility to know what is going on within his or herself, and not let it 'contaminate' sessions. 

But really - surely what happened here is his transference and my countertransference. If  I'd been 'the therapist' I hope that I would have noticed and understood that it was countertransference, because we would have spoken about it! But in his room -I wasn't able to ask him for his feelings or to describe what was happening to him, so I just couldn't get a clear enough picture.

But this feeling of dissonance kept reoccurring.
His reaction to my recording telling him of my feelings doesn't make any sense. 

I hadn't 'broken' any rules when I was honest. 
Nothing about his 'moralising' adds up.

So - his transference and my countertransference?
 
I need to get clarity - I needed it then, I still need it!
So I wrote to him:
I value you as a person, for your intellect and knowledge, I cherish the potential of a continuing dialogue. I wish to honour the harm that has occurred to both of us, through gaining information - a prerequisite for the creation of knowledge. 
But.
Awareness is core to the accuracy with which we interpret another person's motives. The imputed motive organises our perception of their behaviour. I interpret your explanation of my feelings as 'transgressive' as simplistic, dismissive, and your refusal to talk honestly as avoidant. 
I believe that your surprise when I communicated my feelings about you (to you) indicated a lack of awareness. I have reason to raise the possibility of a similar underlying dynamic in other sessions with other clients - in the past - and unless your awareness is increased, it will occur again in the future.  

Can't say that I like my tone of voice, but what if I am correct?

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