Denial.

It has taken me almost two years to admit the obvious.

I don't want to say that I'm a victim, but his reaction to my honesty was harmful - I was harmed. What makes this even more significant is that I was harmed by therapy.  It is a therapist's responsibility to know what is going on within his or herself, and not let it 'contaminate' sessions. 

And without recordings...would I know this? Wouldn't I simply have blamed myself, called myself a fantasist, thought that there was something desperately wrong with me?

I've done that before, I am bound to do it again.

This is why I recorded our sessions. Without recordings there is no way on earth I could ever process this! He has no intention of ever speaking of it, and though I honestly believe that I should make an official complaint, I don't think he is in any fit state to cope with it. 

Or, that's what he want's me to believe?

But during our sessions, what was going on in his mind? There were times when it sounded as if he had some idea of my feelings, and that he may have hinted that he had guessed, and perhaps he did know how I felt? But somehow he could never actually say it or ask me...?

How or why would a therapist come to that conclusion? How or why would a therapist think it best to ignore such feelings! 

Bad therapy? I believe so.

Especially when the client expresses her feelings, why on earth would you as the therapist not think it was significant to find some kind of equilibrium?

I didn't expect avoidance.

I was aware of my feelings, and also this awful sense of ambiguity and uncertainty and had no idea why. Not without knowing his feelings. The term countertransference comes to mind! So nothing could change, the dissonance would not, could not be reduced!  And when I couldn't stand any more of it, his response was to explain over and over that he hadn't known, and how could I ever imagine that he could possibly feel that way about me, and 'you should know the rules!'!

Herr Freud, what d'ya think? "Try reaction formation!" Reaction formation is a defence mechanism in which a person unconsciously replaces an unwanted or anxiety-provoking impulse with its opposite, often expressed in an exaggerated or showy way.

I need to get clarity - I needed it then, I still need it!

So I have just written to him:

I value you as a person, for your intellect and knowledge, I cherish the potential of a continuing dialogue. I wish to honour the harm that has occurred to both of us, through gaining information - a prerequisite for the creation of knowledge. But awareness is core to the accuracy with which we interpret another person's motives.

The imputed motive organises our perception of their behaviour.

I interpret your interpretation/explanation of my feelings as 'transgressive' as simplistic, dismissive; and your refusal to talk honestly, as avoidant. 

I believe that your surprise when I communicated my feelings about you (to you) indicated a lack of awareness.

I have reason to raise the possibility of a similar underlying dynamic in other sessions with other clients - in the past - and unless your awareness is increased, it will occur again in the future.  

Can't say that I like my tone of voice, but that certainly was my experience...and I think the probability that he will cause the same problems again, is true.