Correspondence.

13th February 2024.

• I believe that what happened to me is too important to be ignored. 
• I also believe that technically speaking, this subject is too personal, and it should be confidential - and absolutely not put in a blog! 
• But this feeling of embarrassment, this feeling of I shouldn't say it, is full of shame and guilt actually, but ultimately I have to ask myself, is my sense of shame and guilt, my silence doing any good? 
• Silence contributes to maintaining the problem - silence prevents things changing, silence - my silence - cuts off any possibility of learning how to make improvements. 
• Clearly I think that this information should be in the public domain, as much information as possible actually. 

I wrote to Kit to open up dialogue.

Recent emails.

13th February 2024.

If there is emotion, something matters. I trust in the beauty and dignity in expressing need, and I see an innate value in communication. Making a request is about finding a way to meet needs. To ask is to acknowledge our interdependence.

Dear Kit,
When I left your room for the final time. I felt bereft, I needed harmony, mutual recognition, to be seen and heard and respected. Especially to feel trusted - I felt unsafe for feeling as I do about you. I needed it to be put into a safe form. And for all sorts of reasons , that simply hadn't happened .

Most of all, I needed to know what I could do to make it possible for you to suggest a way for ‘coffee fuelled discussions’ - ongoing communication and joy, to continue; because I think I am someone with whom such discussion is often fun, and dare I say, enlightening. I enjoy taking ideas, theories and concepts apart, and of course I always want to go deeper into the discussion. I valued your intelligence and energy, and especially your clarity. I wanted to continue to learn with you and from you.

 
Ultimately though, this had to be in a way that would be OK for you. I can imagine how you feel about maintaining the boundaries between therapist and client and the queasy sense of unease around this subject. But in truth, I felt disempowered and gagged by those boundaries.

A much needed re-contracting, didn't happen.

When I heard you asking, during several sessions, if coffee fuelled discussions would suit me too? I felt inspired, hope, trust, mutuality. But I couldn’t pay you for this; the benefit of such talk needed to be mutual.

I prize and need equality.

Then when I heard you explain how such discussions ‘never work’ I felt hopeless, powerless actually. When you asked me how such a thing could work I needed to know how you imagined it. It required our cooperation. I needed you to say what would be right for you.

And so to honour my need for challenge and exploration I am suggesting that we return to what we did best; to examine the underlying history and concepts that underpin the work we do. I will be ‘contrary’ because I don’t accept dogma, I chose to ask if ideas hold water for me and if not, why not, as an investigation into properties. I will take tangents, because meaning is implied via relationship, rather than as an intrinsic property. And I suggest such discussion should be by email; perfect for including links, a slow form of communication providing time to think through and refine arguments. I see no reason to shut down, close off, reject or abandon the best of what was.

If you cannot see a way towards this, what would you need to know, or what could I do, to make it possible for you to say yes?

Requesting session notes.
When I read your words, 'never contact me again' (16.9.22) after I'd tried to explain how I'd felt harmed 'by therapy' I felt my need for harmony most acutely. The metaphor I wished to avoid, became unavoidable - that of the plane crash. If there really is no possibility of any communication between us, then the only thing left to do is to learn from, and reflect upon what happened as a rich source of information. 

I would prefer communication with you about this as a ‘coffee fuelled discussion’ - as an investigation into navigating powerful feelings’ - I would value a correspondence about what happened in our sessions after I gave you the recording ( see transcript at the top of this page) to see if we can both understand a little better, where we were each coming from. Would you be up for that?

I see it as an ethical duty to retrieve the 'black box', and make sense of the information it contains.

With love,

He replied on the 16th February 2024

20th February 2024.

I honestly don't know what to make of his reply. All I can be sure of is that he clearly has no wish to understand what might have been harmful in his approach, therefore he has no intention of asking himself what he could do to improve. 

I'm fortunate to have had this experience, and rest assured I would not treat any client as he treated me. But also, if someone wanted me as a therapist to help them reach resolution I'd be negligent not to step up and do my best.

I'm saying that his conduct breaks our ethical code.

Now I don't know which of us is right - there are many FUBAR theories in psychotherapy. But you gentle reader can read my account and decide what you think. I am sorry that we don't have the whole thing, it would be better to have his point of view too. 

Unfortunately, this is the best I can do.

And to be honest I felt threatened by his reply.

-----

In the 14/2/22 session I had promised him 'confidentiality' but I now see it as desperation and panic on my part. It absolutely should be blown to bits.

14th February 2022.

Quote from transcript.

Me -  "And it was hard. But it's OK, hard and difficult are OK. So what's the best way to manage something, I have to be truthful, otherwise...but you talk about the ethical code! To not have told you, by my own standards, then I'd be breaking the ethical code. So what's the alternative? Find another therapist, well I can't particularly because what do you think would be uppermost in my mind? Dealing with this! I can't talk about this with another therapist, I know we all have confidentiality 'vows' but this is between I and you. But coming back as a client, how could I come back as a client! I couldn't "