The 3lack 3ox.

He - "So, what's for today then"? Me - "Oh, offering the scarf!" A rush of pain washes over me as I begin to write. This is  t he last session.   Then and now, I was really aware that I wanted to leave having done it right.   My integrity is rooted in one statement:  love is worth dying for. Perhaps it is the only thing... I had chosen not to run.  I had trusted that Kit would stop treating self-disclosure as dangerous. He didn't.  Instead he lectured me about avoidance, whilst he avoided making any reply to my questions. He ignored the power-dynamic he had created, and failed to understand that it would be maintained by his  absence. I left his room feeling worthless...disempowered, suicidal.  I'd set my coordinates straight for the heart of the storm; my role is to work with the people who get medicated unless we find a way to turn self-attack and justified rage, fear, hallucinations and paranoia into a na...

He - "So, do we have part 4?" Me -  "We do!" Part 4. Above clouds, between the void of space, above the pull of earth. I am drowsy between reality and anxiety.  At times like this when I have sought the glittering edge, I’ve longed for a simple way in; the perfect drug, the perfect word, the instant translocation .... Again, I've not posted the rest here.   He asks me if anything changes because I write.?   Me -  "Does anything change because I write. Everything changes, but does anything change because I write. This is like you are talking to the real person, but I'm aware that things must change, but I can't say what changes" He tells me that it isn't necessary that everything changes... Me - "It must do, it is impossible for it not to. It is not possible for things not to change. Things can change slowly or quickly" He describes my writing as if in almost every sentence there's a reference to something which is implici...

We begin by talking about the 23rd of May 2022. This will be the date of my last session, because it is when my course finishes. And this date is significant. Two years before, on the 23rd of May 2020 - my husband set in motion the resonance cascade that shattered our family.  So what are the chances of this being a good date to finish! My only hope, during this session was that I'd be able to contain my feelings; I felt there to be no way out and no way forward. I'd asked him to tell me how he felt in the mp3, and again in the 14th February session, possibly other times.  I'd said that this is how I get closure.  It never happened.  Instead he diagnosed my recording as transgression - this justified, in his mind, his abuse of power .  You can read the transcript!  Or perhaps I should just upload? At the time of this session I couldn't take more instances of my feelings being dismissed, or described as crossing boundaries . H e was reacting as if my hones...

I had discovered that mandatory therapy doesn't end until we have done at least 50 hours of placement and we have a letter from our therapist passing us as stable (!) And also to have filled out more forms to highlight our areas for development, and then also listing what CPD we are planning on taking. In other words, I need not have given him a date to end therapy. He asks , ' have you found anybody'?  A new therapist...I say that I will leave that until I find a placement. And he isn't saying anything. Then we are talking about transcripts. He is telling me to never write my own transcripts because I can use a transcription service!  I write my own transcripts..  I say, 'where does that leave the promise of confidentiality then! I mean talking about a client to a supervisor for the purposes of making sure that I'm doing the best I can for that person is one thing, breaking confidentiality by letting some nameless person transcribe a conversation that I said wa...

Ah me, he asks, as always - if it is light enough?  Does he ask this of everyone, or me alone. And then, he is asking me about an email I sent, requesting that we change to day of sessions to a Friday. He asks, 'what was that about'? I sometimes think it takes all the years I've been a trainee to get past questions like this without mischievously giving a spurious reply!  I have no hidden agenda. The truth is very boring and related to work schedules  His reply is emotional, well - more emotion than I'd expect. Except all he says is, 'OK, so that's sorted' Did he hope that if I needed to change my day, he would be able to say that he's fully booked?  This is my sad and discouraging interpretation. Or perhaps he feels relief that I'm not going? I hold onto that last thought, 98% certain it isn't true. He asks me where I want to go today... Me -  "Well, we could do part 2 because I'm not sure where the plane is going" Untrue - I know...