Monday afternoon - quarter of an hour before my appointment.
In my bag there is the Samhain recording
The missing information
that I would have handed over last week
I mean everything seems positive?
Am I being hard on myself?
I mean in some ways this is a great adventure
Why do my insides feel as if they are made of water?
I'm beginning to unravel.
And this has certainly been an adventure, and it's been a year.
A whole year!
And really -------------- had such an effect.
Everything made sense,
all the impressions, visions, the feelings.
I don't wish to sound all P K Dick and the pink light
but there was something of this, in my experience.
I think this is crazy.
I just don't know.
Part of me doesn't trust these feelings.
And yet - what else is there to be done?
Of course I should trust these feelings.
I get out of the car and walk down the road to knock on his door...
--
He - "I almost opened the door and shouted Happy Christmas - Christmas coffee?"
Me -"Absolutely yes"!
There is silence in his room. Just the sound of him moving about in the kitchen behind the closed door to my right. The sound of the spoon stirring the coffee. I shift uneasily on the sofa, trying to find some way to sit that feels OK.
He - "Are you warm enough"?
Me - "Are you?"
He - "I'm fine but I know it gets colder for some other people, before I need to have the heating on."
And then as we talk I'm saying that I recognize people by how they move more than specific facial details -as I refuse to wear my glasses (unless I'm driving that is!)
He says: "Like frogs"!
That word frog (or did he mean a toad?) was deafening. A full force Jesus and Mary Chain feedback resonance loop.
I remember that on his website he had written about the symbol of the toad, as a symbol of lust. And his anecdote about the toad on his door step sounded to me like an Emergent numinous phenomenon - this is when something in the real world crystallises a thought or feeling, there is an aura to it. It is more important than simply random. And it seemed to me that the world was giving him a heads-up. But more significant for me here and now, this is the second time he has told me about the toad. No matter how much I repeated to myself - frogs aren't toads - there is resonance. I feel that he's just called me a frog.
This is not good.
The resonance is confirmed when he goes on to tell me his toad story again.
How he did not let the toad in...
Much laughing from both of us!
Because I don't see any option!
No point crying, I'm going to stay in his reality...
But something leaks out.
I say - "Wipe your mind clean..."
And he says -"Am I ready for this?!"
I try to explain.
Me - "I asked you as I left last week, how would you try to teach someone recalcitrant and resistant, TA?"
He - "Oh I thought about that as soon as you went. It occurred to me why would I do that <downward inflection to tone of voice, puzzlement too>."
Me - "Hmm why would you do that <upward inflection of open optimism in my tone of voice>?
He - "Yeah, couldn't think of a single reason why I would. Because that seems like one of those mythical, impossible tasks to try and impart information to somebody who has already decided that it's no use to them. That's...that's an impossible task. And I think well - I may be many things but Hercules is not one of them. and being in the position which is doing something that is nearly impossible - no - I can't see why I'd do that "
I am the impossible to please frog-toad, sat on his sofa - the daemon temptress, Queen of impossible tasks,
He continues - "It's about therapeutic principle isn't it. You are only able to give people what they need when they are ready for it. If they are not ready for it. No point, and some things people are never ready for - at least while they are in therapy. And some people become ready in front of your eyes over a period of time. But, that's up to the client, it's not up to the therapist. Certainly not up to me. So no..."
I kind of crack at this point - "Alright!"
We both laugh. I'm clearly being seen as 'not ready, and may never be'...And this is too bizarre for words. I'm not requesting TA as a client. I was asking how he would teach a student.
So, there is a sub-text I can't read.
I'm assuming that actually this is about the toad in the room.
He is telling me that I don't want what I say I want.
Him - "So no I really wouldn't want to try and convince you of something you don't want to be convinced of. That looks like it wasn't the answer you were looking for"
There is something about that statement: That looks like it wasn't the answer you were looking for" I can't shake the sensation that I'm hearing something else.
I'm remembering how much he had wanted to give me that cartoon, so he felt that the message in it was significant, specifically it was significant for me to see it.
So - that's not the answer you were looking for, means what?
If it is similar to the cartoon message then, he must feel that he has stopped the game of me telling him 'no, not there, not there?'
Makes sense - I'm 'contrary and tangential' so nothing he can do is right, because I'm impossible! The myth of the never satisfied woman?
Underlying message, 'here let me help you unpack...but everything I do or say you see as wrong'! Why don't you see that I just want to help you?!
It would be easier if he said, please accept me!
Because I feel as if I've stepped into something bigger.
That something again.
It takes a while but we swim to higher ground...There is an art to preventing dialogues crashing. Something about agreeing on a subtle level with the role I've been put in, until I feel synchrony again?
Him - "Well you have been given, to use your language, a cargo cult version of TA "
Me - "Yes"
He - "And I've had the experience before, in fact it was the same training day that I mentioned last week; there was one psychodynamic person and one TA person and the psychodynamic person said 'well Parent, Adult Child - that's just Super-ego, Ego and Id isn't it and the TA person exploded 'No it's not!' which is absolutely right because it isn't."
And I get to hear more about him than I hear about the difference between the definitions of mind-states. And then I'm talking about how I had to go to Freud's house
He -"Had too?"
Me - "No, or maybe yes actually!"
When I was there Herr Freud become human for me; it was touching to see his glasses and his personal belongings - and to think of Jung visiting, too. Despite the speech about not being a Hercules, he is telling me much about TA, too much. My request had been how would you teach, rather than a request to be taught!.
He - "Does that get you anywhere near getting you to understand what you wanted to understand"?
Me - "Well I don't even know what I do want to understand - the question was, how would you give me TA?"
I'm asking for a conversation about us...
He - "I think that was why, after you left last week I had the response that I did 'why would I do that if you don't really want to hear about it' because the way I would teach you would be different to everybody else, and any individual would be different to any individual. Because in terms of teaching the first thing I'd want to know is where is this person? What is their point of entry, what do they want from knowing about it? How is this going to be useful for them?"
Me - "Outcome. So why do I ask about it? Because maybe I'm wrong, and I like finding out I'm wrong. Because getting a better version is better. Outcome, well who knows! Something in my rucksack, bits of it are in there already, but maybe the bits I've got are not right "
I feel in this room that I might be wrong.
I need to know....
I'm not talking about TA!
He - "Well the bits you've' got from college certainly don't seem right that's for sure. The thing I notice with some people is they have a block on it because they don't like the language. And I don't know what they are hearing that I'm not hearing because I've never had a problem with the language. But they will say things like the language sounds very judgmental, like calling somebody a Child. Well, I don't hear that as judgmental. And that people play games 'that's judgmental isn't it'. Again, I don't hear that I just hear it as a really useful descriptor. Because a game is something that has a set of rules and a fixed outcome. The language about Child, I think it was a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned Child in the TA sense and you said 'oh, childish' and I said it's exactly not that, it's a completely un-judgmental term just to describe where our energy is, which part of us is in gear. and when that part of us is in gear we behave differently"
When I think I'm challenging theory, he feels dismissed, misunderstood, misheard? That is my interpretation of his reply; tone of voice and the content, both are defensive.
And that is pretty much how I feel when he misunderstands me - so this is my countertransference? I'm feeling his feelings, because he doesn't acknowledge them? I think so, because I'm used to talking about things that are way out of my depth, with people who know more than me. I discovered that I prefer gaining knowledge to feeling acceptance, and that really the only way to be truly accepted for who I am is to be vulnerable.
Me - "Words acquire meaning don't they, so to the person criticizing the language in TA, in their world the predominant usage of those TA terms are related to negative attitudes. Whilst in TA world those words are signifiers of ego states and devoid of these other meanings. Language use is specific to culture, but words are shared. So there is no inherent judgmental attitude in the words themselves."
What are we doing?
I'd asked in a very round about way to be led through the TA process myself, so I could see it from the inside. We are talking, but I rarely flash my true colours until, oh no! I say that knowing why a problem happens isn't a prerequisite for solving it, but knowing what one needs and wants is a prerequisite for the creation of new ways to get it!
He - "If you were broken down on the hard shoulder of the motorway, imagining what it's like to have a car that's now working isn't going to get you anywhere"
Me - "No, but the problem isn't...<he interrupts>"
I continue - "No, the problem isn't that I want the car to be working, the problem is that I need to get to my destination - so what are the possible ways to make that happen, how do I get to where I need to be"?
He - "But if the fundamental thing that's caused the problem is going to repeat, or can't be fixed, or hasn't changed - then no problem has been solved. Lets give a concrete example, because we are talking in quite abstract terms here I think. If a client sat in front of me has a particular response every time they bring up the subject that they said they had come to me to try to resolve, I know there is something going on that needs to be addressed. You know they go ' oh I had a lovely lunch today' 'lets get to the subject' 'oh yeah, yeah yeah, but tomorrow I may have this for lunch -I'm thinking, what are they avoiding here that needs to be addressed? If I then discover that what the person wants most of all in life is to be able to talk about this, and it is so difficult to talk about, developmentally they came from a family that anytime this person revealed part of themselves they were put down. They were ripped apart verbally, they were told that they were rubbish. If I can find that out and then it turns out that, OK there is transference happening here - because then they are fearing that if they told me what they really came about, and we can explore it, I'm going to do that to them. On some level they know logically I'm not going to, because I'm a therapist. But emotionally they are really scared to tell me this stuff because every time they told deep and meaningful stuff they get ripped apart. Now once we understand what the root of it is, then we have a chance of changing the present. Because actually it is the present, again this is back in the TA model, this is not about the past - it is about what is replaying now that was created in the past. But it is all present tense stuff. So once we get to the point where we can say, 'OK, I'm not your mom' - and what I'm trying to do here - and some times these things have to be said absolutely explicitly - 'I'm trying to create a safe space for you, what do we need to do to help you feel safe, to make it not like your family, what do we need to do here' then everything changes potentially. But to get to that point we needed to know what the problem was to fix it. Because it wasn't a problem was, its a problem is. Again, creation is in the past but the re-enactment of it is always in the present. And if I just say to this person, 'OK talk to me, talk to me, just talk to me' like flicking a switch - they can't do it. They can't do it because all this stuff is in the way...<to me now> no, yes? "
All I can do is mindlessly repeat...
Me - "A person's come to talk about it but they really can't because they feel really nervous, and they feel that if they say the words then...bad things will happen"
This isn't about a client is it. Nor is it about how to react when your car breaks down. He feels that I will rip him apart. And I know that he will do that to me. So we are both as mad as each other!
But I am trying to get through the fear, I am doing something about it!
Right now I have the voice recording that describes my feelings for him in my bag, by my side! Now - right now.
The problem isn't that I think of him as being like my gaslighting husband, the problem is that he has similar traits. It isn't the wound that is the problem, it is the defence and denial, the refusal to be honest. The power dynamic here is creating a real problem...As I sit before him thinking ' don't you know how much I long to talk to you openly, behind all this...beyond all the rules, with honesty...and I will make that happen!'
He - "See unless they are uncovered, not necessarily what they want to talk about because that's usually clear from the phone call, but why in the first three sessions we are just not getting there"
Me - "Why are we not talking about it"
That is a pretty clear statement - which I say as an echo, a reflection across a mirror impenetrable, it leaves ripples in the air as it widens and seeps through the walls...through the void...Because I don't think I'm the problem. I think I could talk about it if I felt that he'd take me seriously.
He - "And again this is the fundamental thing which I think the people after Berne understood far more than him, which is, its about two people in the room. It's about the relationship between the two people. It's fundamentally about what the client needs from the therapist that they are not getting elsewhere - relationally - that's absolutely fundamental. So for example in this case I can be to this client I've just made up, they need me to be a version of a parent type figure who is going to look after them rather than undermine them, and that's what they really need. Because the person sat in front of me is essentially a scared child, and again on the TA model we never get to the present tense Adult understanding as long as the Child is screaming, the Child will always scream the loudest. Once we can meet the Child's needs, understanding what that is then we can move into the present tense in the Parent ego state. This is not an either or, obviously, because they are all at play all of the time. But the Adult doesn't stand a chance as long as the Child is crying and that's about the stuck stuff...I feel like I can stand down from the podium now. But I hope you can also see, not just in what I'm saying that I'm really passionate about this."
I am a mother, years before I'd worked in a children's hospital with parents and their children. And I didn't think of any of them as Child, only as people facing the unbearable - and I tried to match my emotions with theirs, to be as compassionate as I could be. So this notion of needing to recognize the Child, as if it is somehow difficult, isn't sitting well with me.
I feel 'talked down to?'
Yes, I feel talked down to.
As a mother, as someone who once worked in a children's hospital...
Because I have felt obliged to placate his Child so many times in so many sessions with him. I think I'm good at it too!
But when I've tried to be Adult with him, that doesn't go well. I take from Gestalt therapy the importance of noticing and addressing ruptures, feeling when there is something glitchy in the relationship. Or of course noticing any kind of falling out! And right from the start of my sessions with Kit there were three glitches that led each time to tiny ruptures, big enough for me to notice and important enough for me to 'bring into session'. So I listed them, I described them and I expected us to talk about them, because I'd been taught that this is what happens in therapy!
We didn't talk.
He apologized, 'if that's happening I'm sorry'.
"If"
If it happened?
You mean perhaps it isn't happening?
Hmm...I'd thought that describing what happened as a mystery for both of us, was an invite to explore, but just the hint that there could be something glitchy actually hurt his feelings.
His response was defence?
My question then as now - Why are we not talking about it..
Anyway - I then go on to describe that 'we' non-TA people hear the TA words as they sound, whilst he hears them as they are meant; I separate the words Berne used, from any psychological appraisal of Berne. It is very tempting to look at the words people use and conjecture about the world they draw from, and extrapolate that into their view of people.
For Berne.
For Kit...
That in our sessions he tells me about responding to the Child in the adult who had horrible parents, over and over, so what am I supposed to be hearing, because I know what I'm hearing.
But none of this matters.
I have tried to get to honesty with him, he can't do it and nor can I! And I'm 'staying on the surface' whilst at the same time highlighting how the construction of meaning takes place. Whilst referring to Kit as an 'insider / expert'. - without using those words. As I do this I can hear the metaphorical key turning in the metaphorical lock, because as a therapist, it is the client's understanding that matters, not mine. I'm bridging the gap for him. I'm using therapy skills. Because I want him to admire me? To trust me? To hear that I get it, I get him.
I see the things I'm not meant to see?
Was that always the problem - here, with him.
My nickname at school was Jessica - as in Dune.
The question remains:
Why are we not talking about it?
What am I doing - or rather that's the wrong question, use his favourite Kohut inspired who am I to the therapist! I am enacting Jessica, acting as a catalyst for his understanding, whilst at the same time I believe that he sees me as the Frog Queen; a demanding presence who is never happy with what he gives me? I'm doing my best to change his horrible view of who I am.
Mr Kohut pray tell, who do you think I really am to the therapist?
But why are we not talking about it!
I hear that what he wants me to really hear is his passion. And he is right - I side step it each time. I don't let myself resonate with it. Because passion is tricky, I'm 'in love with him' I need to give and receive and then give some more! But it has to be whole, all of it. This alternative love in the here and now is supposed to be a milky-love, given without want or need.
I'm supposed to just open like a flower - metaphorically!
I've known more than a couple of men who have seen this as the highest and most noblest form of love; pure and eternal, in binary opposition to an equally imaginary 'love' imaged as demanding and brutish. I reject and accept the existence of both, and more, the word I'd use for what I want is real - real joy, comedy, fascination, dreams and promise - add deep trust!
Anyway, in the light of these thoughts, it makes sense that are we not talking about it!
And yes he's telling me again about being the kindly parent, and being who the client needs him to be, responding with understanding of their needs...
And then he says - "And we have run over, because I just didn't want to stop - so interesting, and I'm so grateful for what you said about language because I really wouldn't have known hadn't you told me."
Is that right - call me Jessica....
And I'm handing over the envelope that contains the letter and the recording. I'm saying 'I can't believe that I've just done that'. Fumbling for the doors... Can't open them. I'm walking away...And I'm not going to see him until the 3rd of January.
I'm gone.
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