The 3lack 3ox.

Every so often I think that writing this blog is cowardly! Then I think I should make a complaint to his ethical body. That I should step forward and see how the judgment goes. But then I remember exactly why it is I'm not doing that, and why it can't happen. Denial works, it blocks resolution. It freezes repair. It keeps the anger going... And then I start to ask, what needs to happen instead? And it is simple really,  I would like to receive an apology.  I certainly deserve one. When I feel that I am being cowardly, I read his published articles. They don't provide any definitive way to identify the factor X, that led to his robust denial process but there are enough of his statements (things he said to me), expressed through his fictional case study characters, to remind me of the underlying misogyny.  Denial has become one of my favourite subjects as a result of my experiences with Kit - so let's have a brief run through of how denial is used. Person A tells person...

It starts well, I feel that I'm talking to the person, not the role. He tells me his news, I join in. I am interested and sympathetic and ordinary. And I am aware that I'm in another one of the therapy forbidden zones; the place of 'chit chat'.  But it seems OK? And he instigated it? So what goes wrong? He is saying - not dramatically, but directly and uncompromisingly - 'a theme, it's becoming a theme...' And ' that I'd asked him to talk about my latest assignment - but we always get side-tracked' Did I? I didn't ask him about that assignment? I seriously doubt it... And now I'm panicking!  Because the real problem must be my feelings for him!  They have leaked out?  Is it obvious? IT IS OBVIOUS! He knows... OK, breathe! But under the surface... No! Do not try to imagine what is under the surface! STAY ON THE SURFACE! To answer his observation with the truth is impossible!  I feel talked at. I am being talked at. I'm never going to ...

I talk about what happened - I'd been on a trip to Arron. I'd got tickets to see the band that got me through my son's psychosis.  They cancelled.  I looked for my lost daughter in the streets of Glasgow.  I couldn't find her. He asks me, 'what was it like?' One more Portal map, one more weaving straw into gold, one more challenge that appeared to be impossible.  And I got through with out breaking or crumpling or giving up! I get the feeling that regardless of what ever I'd said his reply would have been the same, he says 'It's still very present isn't it' a statement, not a question.  I say - "Is it? The memories are clear - present? It is unfinished. But it's me doing the best I can do..." He asks, or is it another statement -  'so why is there a problem now'? What?  In my family the recitation of disasters was a thing, the more awful the event, the more heroic is the teller of the tale! Regardless I stay with his ...

25th July 2021. Notes A day full of physical panic, my body full of crawling spinning electricity.  Not a nice feeling, not nice at all.  Then suddenly I was washed through and through. And the weaving, spinning, churn stopped.  I stood for a precious moment in the still point at the centre of the Sun - and I felt love once more. Mostly the laughing, that we laugh together... And that I am culpable.  It stops the panic.  Stops me waiting for the hammer to fall   Stills my expectation of a coming time, my trial by language. What is my worst fear? More hours, weeks, months of blaming myself for feeling anxiety.  So, more of the same then!  I could tell - when my husband was lying. My anxiety was well founded. Just no information... What do I want to know? Only good and positive things.  I'm beaten up. The greater my need for positive,  the harder it is to accept there can be negative consequences  for honesty...  26th July 2...