Learn to Swim! 20th September 2021.

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I talk about what happened - I'd been on a trip to Arron. I'd got tickets to see the band that got me through my son's psychosis. They cancelled. I looked for my lost daughter in the streets of Glasgow. I couldn't find her.

He asks me, 'what was it like?'

One more Portal map, one more weaving straw into gold, one more challenge that appeared to be impossible. And I got through with out breaking or crumpling or giving up!

I get the feeling that regardless of what ever I'd said his reply would have been the same, he says 'It's still very present isn't it' a statement, not a question. 

I say - "Is it? The memories are clear - present? It is unfinished. But it's me doing the best I can do..."

He asks, or is it another statement -  'so why is there a problem now'?

What? 
In my family the recitation of disasters was a thing, the more awful the event, the more heroic is the teller of the tale! Regardless I stay with his 'reality'.

I say -  "I would like more, the music to play and the credits to roll. For everyone to say to me 'well done'. No one says well done!"

He asks me, 'Who would say ' well done'?

I have already said it - no one will say 'well done'  - those were my words! And if I name them? I will break. My family is shattered, the people who would have said well done, are gone. So I answer with who else I would like to say it, and I say how much I deserve the well done! 

He says, 'it doesn't sound quite enough'.

I think it probably is!

At a certain point there is an invite to 'play philosophy' because I've referred to a 'self'. Philosophy is a game I enjoy. But I feel dejected and helpless after thinking about who wouldn't say well done! And this isn't good. 

Plus I've been told that what I say I want isn't really what I want (as it doesn't 'sound enough'). So my view remains unchanging; acknowledge that life is complicated, embrace the truth that we are making the best of it as we go along. We are all attempting to navigate the inevitable crashing rocks and stormy seas of life. Follow the energy, and trust in love.

The parents in my head are all me...my memories, my lack of understanding.

Actual recordings... this is the only way a person can assess the past.

But really, learn to swim!




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