"Grief" - 25th and 26th July 2021.

-


25th July 2021.
Notes

A day full of physical panic, my body full of crawling spinning electricity. 

Not a nice feeling, not nice at all. 

Then suddenly I was washed through and through.

And the weaving, spinning, churn stopped.

 I stood for a precious moment in the still point at the centre of the Sun - and I felt love once more.

Mostly the laughing, that we laugh together...

And that I am culpable. 

It stops the panic. 

Stops me waiting for the hammer to fall 

 Stills my expectation of a coming time, my trial by language.

What is my worst fear?

More hours, weeks, months of blaming myself for feeling anxiety. 

So, more of the same then! 



I could tell - when my husband was lying.

My anxiety was well founded.

Just no information...



What do I want to know?

Only good and positive things. 

I'm beaten up.


The greater my need for positive, 
the harder it is to accept there can be negative consequences 
for honesty... 


26th July 2021.
Notes:

He didn't come out to wait for me.
Mostly I remember his green socks, and feeling lost and hopeless.
But I am really tired.
Nightmare last night.
So glad I have a week to process all this.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What next?

-
Image
And so I find myself marooned - to stay with the plane crash metaphor - I've just watched Society of the Snow . And as in the film, as in the awful reality of those real events, action must be taken. There will be no rescue otherwise, no getting out.  So what action do I want to happen? In counselling, and between counsellors, what counts as resolution is usually an apology of about a thousand words. Those words need to convey to the injured other, a real understanding of the harm done, and a heartfelt regret. And how I manage to convey to Kit that this demonstration of awareness is appropriate and needed. How to do this? I don't know.  Yet. Do I make a formal complaint? The first option is to get in contact with the therapist and explain that there is a problem, and ask for some kind of resolution to be worked out. If that isn't forthcoming, if the therapist doesn't acknowledge that there has been and still is a problem, then a complaint is justified. A therapist who ...
Read more

Coercion.

-
Image
OK, this is hard - I need to dig deep. The pain of it is almost beyond my endurance, and yet at the same time I am above, observing, watching and recording. The pain is like wearing a dress made of nettles. And so I turn towards it, embrace it  and connect. Holding out my hand I ask into the empty air, 'what is your name? ' In the roiling blackness of the void I hear the words  'I am your intoxication'.  Gently I ask the pain, what do you need?  My hand touches something cold and rough, like shark's skin. And below me deep under an ocean of tears and a crimson gush of my heart's-blood, the words 'love and soul ' boil, radiant and poisonous as a nuclear flash. The sun turns blue, a 'vision' of Cherenkov light, 'the blue sun' I'd seen in my semi-psychotic state when I had left the therapy room for the last time. "love and soul..." Returning from inside to out, directing my vision to the keyboard, to the soft white light of th...
Read more

Intention.

-
Image
Yesterday I sat in the shadow of the Tor.  I had come here to complete the June visit - I connected my mp3 player to the sound bar and played a song by a young man whose death had led me here.  I thought of standing up, before letting the sounds ripple out to the four corners, to tell the whole story to everyone - and actually, in retrospect, perhaps that would have been the right thing to do.  But, I didn't.  I just played it.  It was time to let his ghost, go... As the music rang out I remembered sitting in the chamber of the coroner's court as the inquest was heard - and making my commitment to train as a therapeutic counsellor.  To become the sort of therapist he might have chosen to talk to. My question then was how do I prevent this death happening to others...or rather, how do I become the kind of counsellor who might be able to change someone's mind enough to alter their direction. At the inquest we heard that everyone had tried, everyone had done ...
Read more