The 3lack 3ox.

Right now I'm in a room with the man I've told that I love, and I have no idea what he actually feels. He has not expressed his feelings about me, or about this situation.  And he is telling me that my feelings are missing!  Is there a difference in his hello? We speak in unison.  Coffee? The sound of cupboard doors, cups, the clink of the spoon. This is a strange session, I am talking about my identity. Talking about identity is what I do now (in 2024) with clients who feel that they are broken. I'm beginning to see it as vital, it is a key to restoring a sense of 'I am', because 'I can do x,y,z'. It is more than confounding the sense of ' I can't do anything ' into ' actually I can do plenty '. The question, 'tell me about you, what do you love ' often brings the answer 'I used to' - but in remembering, the past becomes present tense, the memories are breaks in the tragedy, specks of gold to be noticed and gathered. My ...

A bright sunny day really cold in my bag there is a card and a recording I made at Samhain The one in which I tell the story The story behind this story The Missing information Chit chat .  But how else could it be?  I  need therapy for my therapy -  OK, those thoughts lead nowhere!     Focus!  This is us being normal, ordinary people.  I'm here to share coffee, to hang out, to just talk with him about ideas.  As if it was normal!  No, no no!  Nothing here is normal!   I should change therapists.  But I could be asked by my course leader to give reasons for my decision.  Here is the imaginary email I could never send! Me - "Dear course leader - I need therapy for my therapy because I hoped that during our sessions he would come to realize that together we made the dark air between us scintillate with diamond-bright star light; that the cave like confines of his room was in actuality, space; open as the unive...

After several references in our sessions to how much he enjoyed coffee fuelled discussions at 3 am . After our discussions reminded him of all those coffee fuelled discussions he had so enjoyed at university at 3 am... I dared take this idea further. It was excruciatingly difficult - but carefully, gently and slowly I explained that we could do something with this idea. Something along the lines of, if we build it others will join...There would be more people, more ideas! So why was that so difficult to say? Because I was using 'we ', making he and I into an 'us'. And he has done this several times before in our conversations. So I shouldn't feel so uncomfortable? And each time 'us' has been in his sentences, in his meaning, I have held tight as if to a life raft. Each instant, each precious instant was rich with a subtle heat created by our verbal conjunction -  that melted my heart! I had dared to use 'we' and 'us' before, but only in ...

'Chit chat' he talks, tells me his news.  He starts with 'is there anything that you would like to explore'   and I reply with the same question. 'Is there something that you would like to explore? Adding 'or I will just ramble'  . Meaning I will be Tangential.... and that wont do for you! He  - There is something..." And he talks about the clients for whom therapy is really at an end but they still arrive each week to talk about their latest expedition to the supermarket.  Not a good sign. Why is he doing this - he's the one doing chit-chat, not me. He says - oh, but in your case therapy is mandatory... OK, here we are again! The door to the plane - he is trying to prise the door open!  Why doesn't he speak plainly, I feel pulled into guessing the implications of his words. I'm thinking that surely this is because he perceives how I feel about him, in his heart, in his very bones. And he can't, wont talk about it? As much as I empath...

Again, he starts with 'chit chat' - chit chat being his term for fluffy conversation - and it is nice. Yet I have no idea what to make of it. Is this part of the 'Kohuts' - 'Twinship' or, or is it 'real'?  Could it be indicative of his trust in me, of our pleasure in being together for the purpose of discussion? Or is this an act? I have no idea.  And it is exhausting! So I take everything on face value. This is chit chat. This is all I can know right now. He goes into the kitchen to make me a cup of coffee. When he returns I continue the 'chit chat' and we are  metaphorically in Hereford cathedral. We are talking about the Mappa Mundi - and I feel as if we are there, together - when he suddenly says 'It's funny light - do we need the light on ' ?  I say, 'it's the time of year and I'm ok' and he says 'good, because I'm ok as well' .  And this synchrony breaks my heart wide open.  He asks me, 'wher...