The Black Box.

14th July 2021. Notes: A book on attachment theory glows under the afternoon sun,  by my left knee,  as I sit here on the sofa. The sun hot on my neck.  I'm so sleepy.  Monday is finally face to face, covid restrictions lifted - and I've got used to this safe distance, this abeyance, this kicking it into the long grass, this avoidance!  And I'm overstepping the mark in my own, quiet way . . But I'm still here, having stated very clearly that I am not your client - and I'm reading your  email - saying that you are so glad I have asked for the sessions to be more in line with what I need...  Genuinely I am in a fog.  If I was in your role I would ask 'my client' about her feelings  unless I didn't want to know!  OK. I'm cracking up!  And I've got to be rational, patient and strong.  And right now start practicing what I need to say.  OK, it goes like this.   I didn't realise that you mattered to me until I felt that I would break apart into a m

Zoom. And so it began - very well! He told me how much he had enjoyed our conversation in the previous week, and how pleased he was to continue in this way, so pleased that I'd decided to change our contract, that I'm no longer a client - now a mentee. He said -  "you know for a while I thought what are these sessions for really, a piece of paper to pass a course! Could be so much more than that..." Well, my ideas had been steamrollered in the previous dialogue, for sure. But the emotional price I was paying was worth it; he had enjoyed talking to me (so my skill in conversing with a person as if from within their world-view) is validated and I had learnt a lot about standard, counselling theory which would be used in writing my assignments. The cost to me, well it felt more like a challenge than actual cost. I felt as I have felt in many lectures or computer games, that I am not good enough, can't do it, I'm not clever, fast, intelligent or knowledgeable en

25th June 2021 Notes: I want to get to a place  where we work together to do this mysterious, great something.  A vision - walking the Camino  to Compostela.  A pilgrimage through story. Exploring dark alleyways. Oh my words to you  I'm so bloody obvious.  And I'm breaking rules...  Aligning with truth and trust... Discussion one. Trauma -  28th June 2021. The background. I approached therapy with an open mind, and as if it was work. But, it was during the time of Covid lockdown and life took place on Zoom. My family were at home too. I felt restricted and stifled.  I couldn't really talk. And after about eight sessions I was done. No getting out of therapy as a student. We agreed to talk about my course work, specifically in this session, about my research project.  I would have left therapy if not for the course, but I couldn't face starting with another therapist - difficult to dig underneath my rationalizations, but I didn't want to explain even as little as an