Yesterday I sat in the shadow of the Tor.
I had come here to complete the June visit - I connected my mp3 player to the sound bar and played a song by a young man whose death had led me here. I thought of standing up, before letting the sounds ripple out to the four corners, to tell the whole story to everyone - and actually, in retrospect, perhaps that would have been the right thing to do.
But, I didn't.
I just played it.
It was time to let his ghost, go...
As the music rang out I remembered sitting in the chamber of the coroner's court as the inquest was heard - and making my commitment to train as a therapeutic counsellor. To become the sort of therapist he might have chosen to talk to. My question then was how do I prevent this death happening to others...or rather, how do I become the kind of counsellor who might be able to change someone's mind enough to alter their direction.
At the inquest we heard that everyone had tried, everyone had done their best, so - blame it on bad luck. I don't remember the outcome at the end? I still didn't 'get it'. The story still didn't make sense. That only changed once I had lived through each step his family had taken.
Ultimately though, my aims are: to let the unseen be seen; enabling the unspoken and unheard to speak and to be heard. To create change, always through navigation - by mapping what is actually happening - and always seeking negotiation.
And as a result of my therapy, I now have a new challenge.
So, what intentions did we pin down onto the Tor?
I will only speak of me, not the hopes and dreams of my two lovely friends who sat with me this day. My intention is to change the understanding of Eros. Certainly this is a change in direction, from death to sex, but hold on and things will become clear I promise.
As part of my training to become a therapist, I had therapy and I spent one year trying not to believe that I was in love with my therapist. But, as a result of my experiences I was taken to the edge of death myself.
On the most superficial level, I learnt that Eros terrifies some therapists, and that the mishandling of it can be lethal. And, regardless of what ever his intentions were - my therapist's reaction to Eros took me too close to suicide. His reaction left me without the whole picture - there is a gap where he should have been - this certainly is part of why I wish to make this subject seen and heard. More importantly though, I seek to change the impact of Eros in the therapy room away from the therapist's theory, towards instead the client's theory, towards kindness and creativity. Freud, as much as he created problems regarding this subject, also describes the process of sublimation.
One of my inspirational fellow explorers is Dorothy Tenove. She has named the aching and yearning to be fully known, accepted and loved by the other as, limerence. The word is needed because, as Dorothy noted the word love doesn't always include this other thing.
The person who is not limerent toward you may feel great affection and concern for you, even tenderness, and possibly sexual desire as well. A relationship that includes no limerence may be a far more important one in your life, when all is said and done, than any relationship in which you experienced the strivings of limerent passion. Limerence is not in any way preeminent among types of human attractions or interactions; but when limerence is in full force, it eclipses other relationships. Tennov, D. Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love (p. 16).
Socrates advised that love should be pragmatic. Sigmund Freud dismissed romantic love as merely the sex urge blocked.
Curiously I wasn't limerent at all in my marriage, yet my husband was...Simone de Beauvoir describes the effect - I should add that this hope-fear cycle is not confined to any gender, all may partake!
Most often, she clutches at the straw of falsehood. She fancies that the man’s love is the exact counterpart of the love she brings to him; . . . she takes desire for love, erection for desire, love for a religion. She compels the man to lie to her: “Do you love me? As much as yesterday? Will you always love me?”
The question, is this love or is it limerence? bothered me at first. And then I decided that for me it wasn't a case of either or. I decided that I felt love and Eros. I wondered then if limerence is a redundant term? Another attempt to banish Eros? Concepts from Attachment theory can be used to describe behaviors and feelings that fit limerence. I see that it is perfectly possible to be 'limerent' - lets change the word to insecure - it is possible to be insecure in one relationship, and not in another.
But the ability to love, and how we love is, I believe, a constant.
When the realisation arrived that I had strong feelings for my therapist, I eventually dropped the word limerence from my understanding of what was going on in me. I called it Eros. And I set out to explore, learn, and to share my journey.
As much as limerence may be overvalued in drama, it is still despised in those close to us, who may be desperate for our blessings and comfort and also completely unable to ask for them. Unless the subject is studied, we will not have available to us the tactics necessary to deal with some of the tragic situations with which it is associated - Tennov, D. Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.
My task now is return from the Tor, and descend into the echoing, subterranean water temple of White Springs. To let the blessings of velvety darkness seep into me, and to write!
