Deliquescing into a room full of heavy air. 17th January 2022

A rather brittle hello from me

Again, we speak in unison.

And in the next part of our conversation I remember why I love his company - The flow, how our words dovetail and intersect. It proves nothing. I think it proves that we get on.

It proves nothing?

I make him laugh.

Then the chink of coffee cups, and spoons and cupboard doors. Falling leaves of sound, deliquescing into a room full of heavy air. Full of potential and a silence as thick as woollen blankets. This is is an old house - Each time I arrive I look at the steps that lead to the door. I put my feet down slowly and carefully in the worn out sagging stone, to match the memory of foot-fall, and wonder who else, who else? And how they were as they stepped as I step now. Happy, sad, in love - people alive, and people dead.

He "Brought your gear? It feels a little cold in here, I've put the heating on. I hope you are warm enough?"

Me - "It's been really cold, yes. Water is now 8.5 degrees centigrade - from the tap "

He -"How do you know that"?

Me - "With a thermometer!

Both laughing

He - "Why do you - why would you..."?

Me -"Because I carried on from Wim Hof breathing, I do the whole lot. I use Wim Hof's technique"

He -"Which includes knowing the temperature of tap water"?

Me - "It means having a cold shower"

He - "And you need to know how cold it is"?

Me - "It is interesting! I like to know how cold it is"

He - Laughing "Why? Why does it matter"

Me - "My reaction is interesting - it is actually easier to do when the water is colder than warmer"

He - "OK

I laugh..

Me - "So no actually, it's about running towards and not away from my reactions. So I know that I am a kind of run towards what frightens me than run away, sort of person. If something has got like 'an edge' to it, and it is irrational and doesn't make sense - because what I'm feeling is at odds with what I know -  then if my fear doesn't make sense, I will prod it and poke it"

He - "And that includes having cold showers"?

Yes Kit - it also includes being honest enough with one's therapist to tell them that they are wanted and loved. Because truth matters.

Me - "It certainly does because I was kind of convinced that the cold shower would kill me - that is what my fears said - the thought of turning the hot water to cold felt in my imagination like turning water into acid and it would dissolve me, I couldn't possibly withstand it"

He - "What literally"?

Me -"This was my feeling-sense, how I imagined it would be so terrible and impossible to withstand"

He - "OK"

Me -"There must be something that you are scared of, that is a totally irrational fear. Like a snake, or spiders, or something? But this is about when you know there is an irrational, 'over the top' aura and you say to yourself, 'I can't take that' "?

He -"And for you that is cold - all things that are cold"?.

Me - laughing!  "No, just turning a hot shower to cold is going to be unpleasant!"

He -"So why do it"?

Both of us really laughing!

He - "I mean unpleasant isn't the same as fear is it."

Me -"So in that space between anticipation and reality - and being aware of all the feelings arising - in that moment the question I ask myself is: what is it about turning hot to cold, that stops me doing it? And I have agreed with myself that I will take this action. So the real question I ask is: what am I truly feeling?  I hear the lack of reason in my irrational arguments, but my body is panicking. It is like the breath hold when I can feel as if I'm about to die from lack of oxygen - but the oximeter on my finger proves that I'm well within safe margins for blood oxygen, and my heart rate is fine - so it is truly only my mind creating fear and the physical sensations of panicking. Knowing I'm physically fine means I can start to undo the effects of mind, I find the places in me that are tense and I consciously relax them. It  is exploration! I am a person who has never taken drugs, but I've always been interested in what is happening during that moment of - something - I slow it down and look at it".

He - "See what I'm trying to get hold of, I can understand all of that in any situation we could find ourselves in. Like some people get very tense when they are in groups when there is a large number of people, so that is worth investigating if they work in a job in which there are often people in large groups, so that is every day reality, and problematic.

Me -"Why do I push the envelope"

He - " But in terms of cold showers and breathing - this isn't something we normally do"

Me -"It works...it creates a direct key to my reactions. I am very grateful to Wim Hof that I have that method. And there is a lot to be said about WHM regards benefits to the immune system - that isn't so important for me - but the work following on from Seligman's experiments, about elective shock creating a protection against random shocks - because the cold water is always a shock that will never get any easier. Well, truth be told, my body has adapted  a bit..."

He - "But why is that something worth adapting to?"

Me -"You never know what's going to happen next! Because I can adapt...so that is good"

He -"So suppose I was to become a medieval ascetic I could train myself to go to sleep on a bed of nails every night"

Me -"You could, but that would be potentially damaging"

He - "I could adapt to it - but why would I want to?

Me - "It is potentially damaging - and I can see that it might look as if it is in the same category as Wim Hof, perhaps the underlying feelings for the ascetic are of a hatred of the body and wanting to suffer. But Wim Hof isn't that at all"

He - "I wasn't suggesting that at all"

Me - "I am looking at parallels - yes, my knees were really sore when I did my prostrations (Tibetan Nundro) though I did have really strong stomach muscles after 100,000!"

He - "What, your knees were sore after doing prostrations. So, is that something worth 'running towards' again"? 

Me - "No, I just agreed with the cultural meaning, as it is part of a religious practice - so I understand the ascetic - is what I'm saying. There is more to Buddhism than sitting on a cushion". 

He - "Yes, I do know - and I remember you talking about computer games in the same way - going towards something that is problematic so that it becomes less problematic"

Me - "It is more a case of observing the process, of mapping my reaction. It is very important that I know me, and this is how it is done. The invite is realising that something has power over me, and not liking it because it doesn't make sense. So it is obviously a left over - so there needs to be compassion for that, but because it is irrational and it doesn't make sense it will need to be poked to regain my power. So you say that you do know more than that (about Buddhism) OK, that's interesting. Ha, it has just crossed my mind - am I allowed one question a week? I will leave that for another day.."

He - "I hope you don't mean that at the last minute I will have to sit an exam on Buddhism!"

Me - "No, there are four schools and we are all very different in our concepts on emptiness. That tells you all you need to know."

He - "I can't help but put it into a TA frame"

Me - "Oh, OK"

He - " That trying to bring a present tense, Adult ego state to meet the trapped in time, frightened Child - to get the Adult to have influence upon the Child is a very established, therapeutic way of working. Obviously I would think in those terms because those are the terms I think in. But, within that framework it makes complete sense. I know you are not very keen on that framework, but it sort of works" 

Me - "We construct reality, this is about giving names to phenomenon and experience. We just organize reality around symbols - words...what works matters....

Nothing more to say, listening to Tool keeps me sane!