Deliquescing into a room full of heavy air. 17th January 2022

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A rather brittle hello from me
Again, we speak in unison.

And in the next part of our conversation I remember why I love his company - The flow, how our words dovetail and intersect. It proves nothing. I think it proves that we get on.

It proves nothing?

I make him laugh.

Then the chink of coffee cups, and spoons and cupboard doors. Falling leaves of sound, deliquescing into a room full of heavy air. Full of potential and a silence as thick as woollen blankets. This is is an old house - Each time I arrive I look down at the steps that lead to the door. I put my feet down slowly and carefully in the worn out sagging stone, to match the memory of foot-fall, and wonder who else, who else? And how they were as they stepped as I step now. Happy, sad, in love - people alive, and people dead.

He asks me if I'm warm and this sparks a conversation about water temperature. I tell him that water is now 8.5 degrees centigrade - from the tap. and he is mystified as to why I'd know or care! "Because I carried on from Wim Hof breathing, I do the whole lot. I use Wim Hof's technique" 

He asks me again, why...?

I laugh..

Me - "Actually, it's about running towards and not away from my reactions. So I know that I am a kind of run towards what frightens me than run away, sort of person. If something has got like 'an edge' to it, and it is irrational and doesn't make sense - because what I'm feeling is at odds with what I know -  then if my fear doesn't make sense, I will prod it and poke it" I don't say, this style includes being honest enough with one's therapist to tell them that they are wanted and loved. Because truth matters. "I was kind of convinced that the cold shower would kill me - that is what my fears said - the thought of turning the hot water to cold felt in my imagination like turning water into acid and it would dissolve me, I couldn't possibly withstand it" He doesn't get it. I explain, "This was my feeling-sense, how I imagined it would be so terrible and impossible to withstand"

He - "OK"

Me -"There must be something that you are scared of, that is a totally irrational fear. Like a snake, or spiders, or something? But this is about when you know there is an irrational, 'over the top' aura and you say to yourself, 'I can't take that' "? He asks me if I'm scared of all cold things - me laughing!  "No, just turning a hot shower to cold is going to be unpleasant!"

He -"So why do it"?

Both of us really laughing!

Me -"So in that space between anticipation and reality - and being aware of all the feelings arising - in that moment the question I ask myself is: what is it about turning hot to cold, that stops me doing it? And I have agreed with myself that I will take this action. So the real question I ask is: what am I truly feeling?  I hear the lack of reason in my irrational arguments, but my body is panicking. It is like the breath hold when I can feel as if I'm about to die from lack of oxygen - but the oximeter on my finger proves that I'm well within safe margins for blood oxygen, and my heart rate is fine - so it is truly only my mind creating fear and the physical sensations of panicking. Knowing I'm physically fine means I can start to undo the effects of mind, I find the places in me that are tense and I consciously relax them. It  is exploration! I am a person who has never taken drugs, but I've always been interested in what is happening during that moment of - something - I slow it down and look at it". He explains that there are somethings that it might be useful not to be scared of...So I ask, are you asking me why I "push the envelope? Because it works...it creates a direct key to my reactions. I am very grateful to Wim Hof that I have that method. And there is a lot to be said about WHM regards benefits to the immune system - that isn't so important for me - but the work following on from Seligman's experiments, about elective shock creating a protection against random shocks - because the cold water is always a shock that will never get any easier. Well, truth be told, my body has adapted  a bit..."

Nothing more to say, listening to Tool "Push the envelope, watch it bend..." keeps me sane!

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