The reparative relationship...

 "I am the slaughter at your altar. That's where my need for you begins..." M. Gira. The Beggar.

 "I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about my principles, my ethical rule, that once a client always a client because you never know what the future is going to bring, and people do come back"

I could not understand for the life of me why Kit thought I'd ever return as a client?

But then...he wasn't 'talking about me'. 

And the feeling of being so utterly rejected, disliked even, by one's therapist, was such a corrosive poison it has taken? I was about to say, it has taken this blog to cure me. No, it is not over yet. He just about rubbished all that was best, all that was most alive and all that was most able to keep me alive. But hey, he was just helping me face reality...by remaining unable to say what had actually happened...

Whatever!

His statement; clients, people, do come back to see us as therapists, is true. Kit went onto say that if there has been any other kind of contact in between, then the therapeutic relationship isn't the same. And it is worth asking if this is true, and if so why is it so? 

Let's agree that Kit knows what he is talking about and that this is exactly how things are for him. 

But his statements about this were not supported by any reasons. 

The phenomenon, or connection, or correlation was presented as a simple fact. Untestable, and full of dire predictions.

What makes it untrue for me? 

The postmodern therapies don't seek to create a reparative relationship. It is rare I make statements about what 'we' don't do, but in this case I think it is really important to grasp the difference. I transmit a way of approaching problems with curiosity, with confidence and with gentleness. And I highlight aspects of what a person has said with the purpose of altering their vision (but not their version) of events. People pick up this way of thinking and start talking to themselves in this way, so if you want you could say 'I' become an internalised object. But that's not what I'm about. I am not going to be 'your twin', nor your safe argument, never your 'mirror'. I will never aim to provide you with a corrective emotional experience! Heaven forbid! What arrogance. We don't try to be what we think you need. 

We radiate our trust in the client through how we speak, move and in what we say. I am never part of the solution, never the more functional person in the room, never the person who knows better about anything. I wouldn't even say that we create a working alliance either, the words doesn't fit. Its more like play than work, and we are not an alliance against anything or anyone. I'm a witness, and I'm an advocate for alternative visions. And I need to be willing and able to work with anything.

The collaborative therapies are all about radical acceptance, when it is done right the effect - when I have experienced it - is lightness, a sense of being refreshed, a weight is lifted, and of relief follows!

Core to the concept of reparative relationship is the notion that when a therapist provides a corrective and supportive environment, "the therapist can help clients heal and develop a stronger sense of self and emotional regulation" (quoted from Google AI). 

But this is a paid for, relationship with the therapist...

Now my good friend James really is a card carrying reparative therapist. James doesn't like conflict, James likes to make everyone feel incredibly valued. He is warm, welcoming, understanding. It would be very difficult for a shattered, suffering client to give that up. 

I only see James a few times a year, and we rarely have space or time for me to ask about this subject. Though after sitting on Glastonbury Tor (start of this blog, he knows this is my subject) I will get round to it at some point. Perhaps in June.

Anyway they met her in the woods by accident, they are James and his partner Paul, as they walked the dogs. The meeting was awkward and 'difficult' and I so wonder why...

But, meeting clients by accident, is it always like this?

No. I've seen a couple of ex-clients who haven't noticed me and I'm just happy to see that they are doing fine, it confirms my view that despair is a reaction to life events, not an identity or disease! And when I saw a client who was serving in a bar, and as he took my order, the penny dropped! We both ignored it, and it was just lovely to see him. But it affected me. I returned to join my friends, and then told them all about Kit....it was my equivalent of coming out I suppose. Kit had made it all seem so dramatic; the hiding, the shock? It made me rail against the imperative to never talk about 'it'. 

Kit was once 'he who cannot be named', as if I too should feel about clients or feelings or anything in the way Kit suggested! 

The interesting thing is, I have found it impossible to tell James about Kit, and we have been really close at times, much closer than I am with the friends I told that Sunday afternoon. 

Shattering the illusion...

See, this is the problem with the reparative relationship. The therapist may see it as a selfless giving of themselves, or doing the real job. And I used to feel bad because I didn't feel comfortable in pretending that I could give clients anything that they needed! My supervisor at that time told me that the best therapist doesn't need to ask a single question during the session.

And that seriously isn't me!

I was able to shatter the illusion...

Instead of the delusion of reparative restoration, I instigate an exploration, as a curious and trustworthy companion...

And now I come full circle, because I believe that this is far more who Kit is, rather than the reparative therapist. At the start of therapy I spoke to Kit as if his role was to be a curious and trustworthy companion...The Festen email for instance.

What happened?

Unfortunately by the time I began recording, it was too late. 

But really the answer is clear. I had lost my trust in him as a therapist because of the Brian Thorne and Minx sessions. But I still believed in, needed and wanted the clever companion. As he couldn't navigate ruptures - this more than anything caused him to fail as a therapist in my eyes - No mending of ruptures means no therapeutic relationship, means no way back. So I blew the charade of a therapeutic relationship apart, and set out to win his heart instead...