Brian Thorne

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The 3lack 3ox contained some journal notes, all hastily written into my phone. They are now published as a page.

So it was the Brian Thorne incident that made me seriously consider recording our sessions. I had thought it was being called a minx. But way back in February 2021 my response to it, had been to question my behaviour, not his. It was the Brian Thorne disagreement that caused me to doubt him. At the time, or rather during that session, I was blindsided by the energy of his disagreement with me, because it felt like were were talking about something else. And I felt accused, demonized and 'put in my place'? 

Unfortunately my notes don't shed any light on what actually happened.

31st May 2021 

Him. Tight lipped - several times. Lectured at. Some disagreement about Brian Thorne but mostly I was feeling deeply, deeply hurt...Desperately got to weave something positive from the shredded mess of my heart ...

Should I be truthful, act as I feel when I next see him, as if the light has gone out of me...?

Will I have any choice? 

Will I manage to patch my delusion enough to stop me from continuing this fall?

I have to... No choice. 

Soul dismemberment and loss otherwise. 

--

At that time I really was vulnerable, that word truly expresses how much I had needed support. What ever this dispute was about I cannot know. I can imply from other things he later said that he saw it as my attitude to rules - 'I remember when - don't know how long ago now, let's say 6 months, and you were having some problems with the ethical rules of your professional body....' 

Brian Thorne taught me that person centered therapy is radical and controversial, because the person-centred approach is inherently subversive, dynamic, and profoundly active! And me being me, I would have been saying to Kit that I don't allow myself the luxury of handing over responsibility for my actions to others, I don't blindly follow orders. 

Why did that prove to be an inflammatory  stance? 

His black and white, 'if you have signed up to a system you either change them from within or leave' is something I totally agree with. But, there are times when this truly isn't possible, then I know that I will break rules. 

This theme appeared in other sessions...and it is what I'm doing now as I open up the 3lack 3ox. 

Anyway, the dispute was awful - for me. Getting into any kind of interaction which ends with the client feeling as if their light has been blown out - really isn't good practice. To me it was such an out of the blue disagreement, it didn't make sense. 

There was more to it - factor X -  this is why I started recording! 

Yet I wasn't sure about the rights and wrongs of recording; I waited a month. And I didn't return to the subject because? 

Because I'd experienced the 'rupture' process before with him in the beginning of our sessions. Watched it fall apart 'mildewed and smouldering'!

And once again I'm asking why don't I complain - I get to speak to so many people who don't -   and dismissing one's own view and feelings is pretty normal. Especially when it feels as if the complaint process will crush us, financially, or emotionally, and not lead anywhere good.

I called myself deluded!

But at least, ultimately I trusted myself enough to set about finding out what happened next...

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