Into the woods part 2.
I work with people who are, more often than not, experiencing or processing coercion and terror caused by others. And I do this because actually, this underlies most of why people arrive for therapy!
But therapy didn't used to be about this or even for this, once upon a time people believed that there were deep and dark secrets in how they really processed information. As if there is something about them that is wrong - and this remains to concretising concepts such as 'personality disorder', and citing developmental issues as the reason for things going wrong.
This almost original sin, is closer to the concept of obscuration in Buddhism; leading to a feeling that we need purification, to enable us to see clearly.
Somehow the real randomness of this world has gone missing from reality. The truth is it can be a random misfortune, and it can be because of someone else's actions. And it is impossible that you will always be in the right place at the right time. It is also impossible to always spot the narcissist. Therefore if it happens again, why would it be something you wanted to happen? Isn't it more likly that you don't know yet, all the signs?
But there is an implication here that it must be a secret wish, it must be something about you...
Must it?
Really?
As self-blame is safer, and seems kinder and more reasonable than getting mad at the randomness of the universe and the ignorance of others, people present in therapy saying 'I feel anxious', or 'nothing I do is right - I can't trust myself'.
Implication - there is something wrong with me!
Wrong or simply don't know yet how to do it in a way that works better?
We all do stuff in a dysfunctional way, at first. This isn't because there is something wrong with us, it is simply that we / I don't know a better way to do this thing, or we/ I have zero motivation, and random stuff happens and some people want to engage in bullying others!
There is a concept that there is a factor X that we can't understand. It is a secret thing (so secret we can't know what it is) and it makes us behave in ways we can't understand until we face the repressed memory. This version of Factor X is something I can thank Freud for. He wove a strange, Gothic tapestry from threads of repressed sexual forces and the fantasy sins of the Mother.
Dark, dark threads dark against a darker backdrop of the mysterious subconscious.
But when we put all that fascinating stuff over there, and focus on what has actually happened and start asking about those things that have helped so far, then we can start creating a new narrative, one that includes love and power, honour and and courage.
Strangely enough, this makes most people feel a lot better.
One of the worst aspects of the repression and denial style of theories is the quasi-religious belief (!) in personal development. So crying and feeling awful and not getting over it can be interpreted as a refusal to accept the truth, rather than a mode of communication. One of the main reasons we don't cry all the time is that we know how to get our needs met - we have a vast repertoire of solutions.
But when we don't.
When something never encountered before rips through our lives, there is no other experience before that could help put this into a framework of positive meanings. When there aren't any handles, no way to begin to makes sense - this is what therapy is for!
When I think of personal development, I feel like I'm back at school and seeing the effect of streaming. As someone in the A stream for everything except maths - remedial! - I got to see the difference in how teachers looked at you, depending on the stream you were in...and oh yes, there really is a difference!
In our training, and perhaps in the therapy room too - for therapists who haven't deconstructed this concept - a belief in personal development puts people who self harm towards the zero end, and people who journal at a ten.
Meanwhile, people come to therapy to feel better. Using the traditional frame creates a problem then, when self harm makes people feel better...
Now that the subconscious has been replaced by neurology, people have faith that a diagnosis will 'get them the help that they need' . And many people really do want a diagnosis. But not all people!. Others feel dehumanised and damned when a diagnosis is given without them expecting, or seeking any explanation..
Kit believed that he could diagnose from how people interpreted the picture on his wall! He genuinely thought it useful, or at least significant, to do this.
Witches were once identified by similarly contrary and tangential tasks.
Why didn't I tell him that?
Just checking, am I being contrary and tangential enough?
Tell me, why is Eros important in therapy?
Um, because of personal development 0_o
After being diagnosed as contrary and tangential, I give myself points for demonstrating it whenever possible!
Because though I don't see people who want this thing called personal development, the catastrophe of sustained and prolonged traumatic experiences, often leads to a semi-psychotic process. I found it such a strange space, I experienced High weirdness. A poltergeist, and other uncanny occurrences. But such responses to trauma - spiritual emergency - if followed, if respected and honoured, will lead to personal development - in other words, to post-traumatic growth.
1: Appreciation of life.
2: Relationships with others.
3: New possibilities in life.
4: Personal strength.
5: Spiritual change.
There was a time when I was first in therapy with Kit, in which the pathway into the woods (metaphorical) shone as if illuminated by glittering jewels. That forest felt uncanny, it felt haunted. I remember the joy in meeting his intelligence - a man who diagnoses from a picture, holy broccoli; we all believe mad stuff!
I wanted him, no, I needed him to be my steady companion on a journey through my soul.
In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself, in a dark wood, where the direct way was lost. It is a hard thing to speak of, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood was, so that thinking of it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death: but, in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. Dante.Inferno Canto I:1
Seeking Virgil - the words I so needed to hear from Kit?
"That thou mayst follow me; and I, thy guide,
Will lead thee hence through an eternal space,
Where thou shalt hear despairing shrieks, and see
Spirits of old tormented, who invoke
A second death; and those next view, who dwell
Content in fire, for that they hope to come,
Whene’er the time may be, among the blest,
Into whose regions if thou then desire
To ascend, a spirit worthier than I
Must lead thee.."
Before I'd really fallen for him, while I was still in trust, I was watching Festen, and writing him a long email. I was explaining how my first husband's siding with the enemy / forgiving his abuser, seems such a sensible path. Because what happens when you tell your brothers and sisters, your mother may not be support, understanding and compassion!
Festen is a film about telling the truth.
And, it is true to say that telling the truth rarely goes well..
From Kit in response to my email?
Nothing.
No discussion about it.
No mention even.
As I watched Festen, as I cried...and as wrote to him, Eros was guiding me, for I was already in love. Only full, human, adult love would enable me to stretch into all corners and aspects of my heart and soul. Eros gives everything an electric field of power, I needed contact. I needed to turn the static into flow. That didn't mean sex, it was a desire for naked truth, for all of it, not just some of it.
Instead, in our sessions I felt as if I was being dragged away from the real work, the work on the soul, towards the psychotherapeutic task of blaming my parents.
Likewise, when I began the task of listening to the covert recordings I'd made of my husband and beginning to hear his process, instead of being accompanied, I was told it might not be a good idea.
And finally, after one panic attack too many, when I began Wim Hof Method and told him of how much this was helping me, and how surprising it was, I received more discouragement.
I stayed in therapy only because of Eros...I felt as if Kit had the map. But ultimately I came to see it as the other way around...I brought him to where he needed to be. I brought to his room his worst fear. And instead of learning from it, he diagnosed me.
I'm fortunate that the damage he did wasn't a lot worse...
Comments