The Black Box.

As if I've stepped into in a spider's web. I dare not move... That which creates dizzying flights,  Desiring the moon... Will bring instead my Destruction. As a fox. I run! The hounds see movement. A flash of red. On fallen leaves, Darkens their teeth and matted fur  The awfulness of the last session. Frozen, and torn. Gives The death-blow to  Truth. He -"So, two weeks ago, what happened?"  Me -"My first thought is - is this a good idea going back to what happened? He - "Why wouldn't it be a good idea? Me -"Why wouldn't it be a good idea - so the aim of this is what?" He -"To find out what happened" Me -"So from my point of view, you had a list of possible things to do, you said 'symbolization' and I said yes! And you said emails and contracting, but was that really one of my questions? I know we had talked about it before in a previous session - so I replied that I didn't have any questions about that -  it was

The room is  cold. Air filters...breathe out  glacial air. Like being on a space ship. He talks about  disinfecting  surfaces. [Definitions of contrariness. deliberate and stubborn unruliness and resistance to guidance or discipline. synonyms: perverseness, perversity.] He refers to a sheet of A 4 on his left and  says :  "I have a list taken from your emails:   Symbolization.  Emails and contracting; in the email there were things you were hearing which I wasn't meaning to say.  A nd 'script analysis'. " I say -  (referring to script analysis) "That last one was a joke - but we could do that if you want? He - "It sparked a few thoughts....Well, there is a theme here I think in terms of... Me -  (unfortunately I am still in joke mode) "That sounds like induction to me..." He - "Well if someone has a script it means it keeps reoccurring I think, and the minute you mentioned script analysis I thought, ah yes all these things fit the theme&

Again, he starts with 'chit chat' - chit chat being his term for fluffy conversation - and it is nice. Yet I have no idea what to make of it. Is this part of the 'Kohuts' - 'Twinship' or, or is it 'real'?  Could it be indicative of his trust in me, of our pleasure in being together for the purpose of discussion? Or is this an act? I have no idea.  And it is exhausting! So I take everything on face value. This is chit chat. This is all I can know right now. He goes into the kitchen to make me a cup of coffee. When he returns I continue the 'chit chat' and we are  metaphorically in Hereford cathedral. We are talking about the Mappa Mundi - and I feel as if we are there, together - when he suddenly says 'It's funny light - do we need the light on ' ?  I say, 'it's the time of year and I'm ok' and he says 'good, because I'm ok as well' .  And this synchrony breaks my heart wide open.  He asks me -"So

It starts well, I feel that I'm talking to the person, not the role. He tells me his news, I join in. I am interested and sympathetic and ordinary. And I am aware that I'm in another one of the therapy forbidden zones; the place of 'chit chat'.  But it seems OK? And he instigated it? So what goes wrong? He is saying - not dramatically, but directly and uncompromisingly - 'a theme, it's becoming a theme...' He says - "There is one narrative going on with you and quite a different narrative going on in me. Mine is being asked to do things which I'm then not allowed to do. For example last week you asked me to talk about the stuff that's here (my assignment?) but we are always side-tracked" Did I? I didn't ask him? I seriously doubt it... And now I'm panicking!  Because the real problem must be my feelings for him!  They have leaked out?  Is it obvious? IT IS OBVIOUS! He knows... OK, breathe! But under the surface... No! Do not try to