The 3lack 3ox.

Quote taken from this source.  [+]   All we know for sure from the various writers of the past, such as Homer, Aeschylus, Virgil and Euripides, is that Cassandra will never be believed.  No matter how real and true her words.  Nor will anyone ever believe even after it has happened, that she had known how things would be. But why Cassandra came to suffer so, the writers of this sad story do not agree. Simply put, Cassandra was  cancelled  by the God Apollo. Nietzsche in  The Birth of Tragedy (1872) contrasts Apollo as a God of light and knowledge - calm and reason, with Dionysus as a God of ecstatic emotions and drunken rampage. But the story of Cassandra and Apollo does not support this simple division. This story was written in a time when   Greek society valued hypermasculinity. A time when sexual expression was defined by status, not gender, not love. A free male Greek citizen was at the top of society and women only one notch above slav...

It has been three years since I recorded the mp3 to tell him about how I feel about him. And three years awareness of how my requests for open and honest dialogue were ignored.  I'm still thinking about some of his inappropriate responses to the emotions I felt when I spoke with him; such as how he laughed as I spoke about being paralysed by horror and fear.   If you are reading this blog, you know that he refused any kind of resolution or mediation process. So I chose to publish my therapy sessions. The transcripts are scheduled for 2065.  This hasn't been an easy decision to make.  A part of me remains uneasy about it.  The alternative? I seriously considered making an official and formal complaint. Now, in October 2024 we are about eight months away from it being too late for that as there is a three year window.  Actually I'm not sure, I may have more time?  And yet the reasons why I don't see complaint as the right thing, remain exactly the same n...

Note - the therapist I mention in this post isn't Kit! "Synchronicities take you to the edge, but no further;  the message is received but the source hidden.  Beyond the uncanny crackle of the signal you have to make a leap"  Erik Davis. 3 am.  I feel as if I'm covered in static electricity, St Elmo's fire.  I am unsure of myself.  The feeling is of darkness.  And of being swept away.  Of walking a labyrinth, a spinning void. To a place beyond the stars. What happened? Hours earlier, as the lights came up and everyone started to leave, we stood for about ten minutes trying to exchange phone numbers - my phone refusing to do RCS - I was trying to write his number into Google Keep.  Neither of us were thinking straight.  We had just seen Tool. Hours later - 3 am, 31st of May 2024 - my feelings were making even less sense. Sure, a lot had already happened but.. But at 3 am I couldn’t even tell if I was feeling my own feelings. I am used to ...

 Autumn Equinox 2024. Updated Summer solstice 2025. [+] This blog begins on Glastonbury Tor.  High up - you can see for miles! It is understood as a magical place, the meeting point of many energy lines and forces. Many people come to stand there together.  No one single belief system rules, it is free and open to all.  Welcome! When I wrote the first post of this blog  [+]   I was in recovery from the therapy I'd received. Let me say that again, after therapy ended - I was in a bad way - because of therapy.  I felt powerless, and silenced.  Again. During the gaslighting [+]  that ended just two months before I started therapy, I had needed to ignore all and any thoughts or feelings that contradicted my husband's version of reality. If I allowed myself to take my thoughts and feelings seriously, I would try to find out the truth. And when I did that....let's just say it really wasn't worth it. The response from my husband would leav...

He  - "So, what's for today then"? Me  - "Oh, offering the scarf!" A rush of pain washes over me as I begin to write. This is  t he last session.   Then and now, I was really aware that I wanted to leave having done it right.   My integrity is rooted in one statement:  love is worth dying for. Perhaps it is the only thing... I had chosen not to run.  I had trusted that Kit would stop treating self-disclosure as dangerous. He didn't.  Instead he lectured me about avoidance, whilst he avoided making any reply to my questions. He ignored the power-dynamic he had created, and failed to understand -or perhaps he did understand - that it would be maintained by his  absence. I left his room feeling worthless...disempowered, suicidal.  I'd set my coordinates straight for the heart of the storm; my role is to work with the people who get medicated unless we find a way to turn self-attack and justified rage, fear, ha...

He - "So, do we have part 4?" Me -  "We do!" Part 4. Above clouds, between the void of space, above the pull of earth. I am drowsy between reality and anxiety.  At times like this when I have sought the glittering edge, I’ve longed for a simple way in; the perfect drug, the perfect word, the instant translocation .. [link] Again, I've not posted the rest here.   He asks me if anything changes because I write.?   Me -  "Does anything change because I write. Everything changes, but does anything change because I write. This is - this writing - its like you are talking to the real person, but I'm aware that things must change, but I can't say what changes" He tells me that it isn't necessary that everything changes... Well ultimately change is the nature of this universe, but unless things change the suggestion is that I can keep coming here, we can keep having these one sided conversations as long as I pay him! I can't say this again....

We begin by talking about the 23rd of May 2022. This will be the date of my last session, because it is when my course finishes. And this date is significant. Two years before, on the 23rd of May 2020 - my husband set in motion the resonance cascade that shattered our family.  So what are the chances of this being a good date to finish! My only hope, during this session was that I'd be able to contain my feelings; I felt there to be no way out and no way forward. I'd asked him to tell me how he felt in the mp3, and again in the 14th February session, possibly other times.  I'd said that this is how I get closure.  It never happened.  Instead he diagnosed my recording as transgression - this justified, in his mind, his abuse of power .  You can read the transcript!  At the time of this session I couldn't take more instances of my feelings being dismissed, or described as crossing boundaries . H e was reacting as if my honesty opened a door to a  conta...