The 3lack 3ox.

As if I've stepped into in a spider's web. I dare not move... That which creates dizzying flights,  Desiring the moon... Will bring instead my Destruction. As a fox. I run! The hounds see movement. A flash of red. On fallen leaves, Darkens their teeth and matted fur  The awfulness of the last session. Frozen, and torn. Gives The death-blow to  Truth. He asks me - 'Two weeks ago. What happened?  Me -"My first thought is - is this a good idea going back to what happened? He is puzzled Me -"Why wouldn't it be a good idea - so the aim of this is what?" He says then we would find out what happened. I really, really do not think that this is a good idea! But he is going to do it! He begins to tell me why things were problematic for me! Me -"I need to stop you there. Things were not problematic for me, they were problematic for you. This is a problem for you.  Because I was in a situation that didn't make any sense to me. Suddenly I was in a situation...

The room is  cold. Air filters...breathe out  glacial air. Like being on a space ship. He talks about  disinfecting  surfaces. [Definitions of contrariness. Deliberate and stubborn unruliness and resistance to guidance or discipline. Synonyms: perverseness, perversity.] There isn't a good way to describe this session It began well enough - but that was deceptive, The intent was not good, not good at all! He had made a list of subjects I'd suggested from our emails:  Symbolization.  Emails and contracting. A nd 'script analysis'.  He said that he was becoming aware of a theme... And in particular, he wished to talk directly about emails and contracting. I am lost and bewildered. Why he is asking me this? In level 2 it often felt as if we talked about nothing else! I remember having to make myself learn contracting as a script. For the life of me now, I have no idea why it seemed so difficult. I guess training works! He explains the standard use of emai...

Again, he starts with 'chit chat' - chit chat being his term for fluffy conversation - and it is nice. Yet I have no idea what to make of it. Is this part of the 'Kohuts' - 'Twinship' or, or is it 'real'?  Could it be indicative of his trust in me, of our pleasure in being together for the purpose of discussion? Or is this an act? I have no idea.  And it is exhausting! So I take everything on face value. This is chit chat. This is all I can know right now. He goes into the kitchen to make me a cup of coffee. When he returns I continue the 'chit chat' and we are  metaphorically in Hereford cathedral. We are talking about the Mappa Mundi - and I feel as if we are there, together - when he suddenly says 'It's funny light - do we need the light on ' ?  I say, 'it's the time of year and I'm ok' and he says 'good, because I'm ok as well' .  And this synchrony breaks my heart wide open.  He asks me, 'wher...

It starts well, I feel that I'm talking to the person, not the role. He tells me his news, I join in. I am interested and sympathetic and ordinary. And I am aware that I'm in another one of the therapy forbidden zones; the place of 'chit chat'.  But it seems OK? And he instigated it? So what goes wrong? He is saying - not dramatically, but directly and uncompromisingly - 'a theme, it's becoming a theme...' And ' that I'd asked him to talk about my latest assignment - but we always get side-tracked' Did I? I didn't ask him about that assignment? I seriously doubt it... And now I'm panicking!  Because the real problem must be my feelings for him!  They have leaked out?  Is it obvious? IT IS OBVIOUS! He knows... OK, breathe! But under the surface... No! Do not try to imagine what is under the surface! STAY ON THE SURFACE! To answer his observation with the truth is impossible!  I feel talked at. I am being talked at. I'm never going to ...

'He' in this case, is a lecturer for my diploma course. Saturday - It was the way that my body, before I'd become aware... it was automatic, without thinking. Suddenly we were both holding each other's hands! I'd just come into the room - late! Next minute he was in front of me and - why were we holding hands?!  What happened?  This was the first time I'd seen him. He told me that I was in the wrong place "oh, this is actually a course on midwifery. You are in the wrong room!" and, as I know that he is a joker, I'd responded with "oh, no problem. This will be interesting, ****(his name)!"  He looks like my husband.  He moves like him.  I looked at him as if I'd been married to him for 25 years...  As a psychodynamic therapist he must have picked up my body language and gone with the flow!  As did I!  But, there was no desire. We are not each other's type at all! All we have in common is be both wear a belt bag, and think postmoder...