The 3lack 3ox.

It is beginning to occur to me again, as I write this blog, that there is quite a lot of difference in my mind at least, between the vanilla and non-vanilla world; it prevented me being able to explain exactly to Kit why my husband's choice to be in a relationship with someone else wasn't the problem. My husband broke our contract for a contracted 'non-monogamy'. And it felt like an act of deliberate violence to our partnership. Open communication between us after this was never going to be easy. But, I was willing, because I'd promised that I was his partner, and I don't break my word unless something is way beyond...and other people's way beyond, is for a submissive, just one more challenge, and not automatically responded to as a threat. When I first spoke to Kit, I couldn't explain what happened from the the non-vanilla perspective. Nor could I easily identify with that role. I had told myself that I'd failed as a submissive, and that no one vani...

The 3lack 3ox contained some journal notes, all hastily written into my phone. They are now published as a page. So it was the Brian Thorne incident that made me seriously consider recording our sessions. I had thought it was being called a minx. But way back in February 2021 my response had been to question my behaviour , not his But back to Mr Thorne, unfortunately my notes don't shed any light on what actually happened. -- 31st May 2021   Him. Tight lipped - several times. Lectured at. Some disagreement about Brian Thorne but mostly I was feeling deeply, deeply hurt...Desperately got to weave something positive from the shredded mess of my heart ... Should I be truthful, act as I feel when I next see him, as if the light has gone out of me... Will I have any choice?  Will I manage to patch my delusion enough to stop me from continuing this fall? I have to... No choice.  Soul dismemberment and loss otherwise.  -- At that time I really was vulnerable, that word trul...

Another therapist was telling me about her experience of Eros in the room. Neither she or the client spoke about it. It was only an undercurrent - not yet an undertow. And once this dynamic had started, therapy was ended very soon, by the client. No disclosure, nothing ever said. A year later my colleague is still wondering about herself, about what she really felt, and about the client. A sense that possibly she, my colleague ruined the therapy, hangs over the conversation we had about it. My colleague blames herself. I don't think she has any reason to. We live and learn. Eros in therapy isn't simple.  Both people in my colleague's session probably wanted to know -  what is happening here and now, in this room? ' And some therapists would use those words. When Kit asked me I answered him at the same level with.  'What's happening? Two people, drinking coffee'.   I answered the question he asked, not the one he wanted the answer to. For all sorts of reasons...

The 3lack 3ox is full of recordings - and the content is being released into the public domain. GDPR laws mean that the original transcripts containing Kit’s words have been scheduled for publishing. I've listened to my fears. I've cast the original, and whole posts over into 2065 / 2066 , they have been scheduled to post forty years in the future. Both Kit and I will be dead by then, I'm pretty sure of that! I guess we are both in our 60s now. It has taken me all day - to hastily edit all the transcripts - I am completely drained, listening to Swans - The Seer - on repeat! It has made me cry to do this. The being dead part, is hard. The lunacy of this situation too. But, there are some positives to this massacre of the posts - the edited transcripts are all online. Primarily it now means that what I write is all me as far as a reader is concerned. That I can tell the story entirely from my own point of view. The actual dialogue in the future posts - gives the reader a fla...

I'm on the bus in an hour. Back to work in a town famed for its connections with racism after a week off. The charity I'm working for is like a beacon of kindness, and tolerance, in a sea of bullying that seems to start with teachers in the schools, and ends up as kids too scared to leave their homes, terrified of other kids, talking to a counsellor on the phone.  Of course, the teachers and parents are bullied too - then what goes around comes around, it isn't good.  I don't even think it is racism in particular, as the population is monochrome...its a culture, a part of this town. I am actually quite wary when leaving work in the evening. I guess our liberal attitudes to race, gender and sexuality are tolerated because we hand out free condoms? Everyone understands condoms. When I took the bus the other way to the city, many clients were like the kids in the small town; unable to leave the house, feeling bullied at work. Usually they were on their second round of doct...

So, I've woken up in the middle of the night determined to delete this blog so many times!  Usually I revert all the posts to drafts so they will be unavailable, and then I find the courage from somewhere to un-draft them.  What causes my discomfort? There are five grave errors a therapist must not commit. To proceed in working with clients, whilst not having the skills, knowledge and character to work safely and effectively.  To fail to behave in a way that safeguards public safety and maintains confidence in the psychotherapy profession.  To be dishonest.  Behave in a way that causes harm or distress to a client.  Breach client confidentiality I'm unsure about 2. To fail to behave in a way that safeguards public safety and maintains confidence in the psychotherapy profession. I think I am highlighting a glitch in therapy, seeking out the cause and effect of factor X. I'm doing it in public because whatever factor X turns out to be, I believe such things f...