Thin ice.

One of my most transformative experiences during the last few years was getting into cold, very cold water. As I floated in the thick water - 4 degrees - I reached out and held the ice. My pupils were dilated (sympathetic nervous system on overload), The water before me was something else, infinity, death? Not sure. Full of light. The sky was the kind of blue beyond thought, beyond understanding. The trees on the other side of the lake lent me their roots. Deep slow breaths, calm, calm, calm, absolute total bliss...

Later that year I bought a ring; amber with a line of silver; like the rune. I assume if you like me are a Hoffer (someone who practices Wim Hof Method...) ice has a slightly different meaning for us.

The cold is merciless but righteous!

"The cold is merciless, but it is absolutely righteous. It goes past the mind, past the conditioning, past all comfort-zone behavior, past our weakness, and makes us strong." Wim Hof.

But, standing on ice is different; less to fear as a Hoffer perhaps, but the sudden million tiny fracture lines, the strangeness of the sounds. I shouldn't feel as if I'm skating on thin ice; speeding, keeping a forward momentum feels protective. But I know that I can stay calm, if the ice breaks...

I'm going to have to stop...and look down.

If I was a client, I would tell her, I would tell me..that when a person who is supposed to help, ends up hurting you, the damage can cut even deeper, causing deep emotional and psychological harm. I would also say that it is institutional betrayal because this isn't just someone you trusted, this therapist is someone you were told that you should trust, by a system; by their ethical body, by your college, by their qualifications. Therapists are supposed to be the safe ones; trained, accredited - so if something doesn't feel right it is easy to second guess yourself; and you were grieving, you had been in crisis and when you came to therapy you were trying to heal.  And when you had doubts and tried to raise them, they were dismissed.

I would say to me, to myself as my client that the experience brought confusion, shame, it made you feel isolated, scared to trust again, afraid that no one would believe you. And most damaging of all, it has left you feeling as if you can't trust anyone ever again. And that is so, so hard to admit, to acknowledge.

And I'd say... therapy is there to help you increase your autonomy, to support your wisdom; to enable you to reclaim choice. But you felt pressured into compliance, unable to let go of what was hurting you out of fear of worse. Basically it was a misuse of power, it was not just betrayal it was a reenactment of trauma. 

He minimised the emotional impact of what happened to your family. He minimised your ability as a therapist and student, the struggle you had on returning to college. He undermined your interpretation of events. He minimised the distress you were in. He laughed, while you were remembering your son being sectioned. He missed potential safeguarding issues...

And it was never your job to handle it better.