The 3lack 3ox.

I'm wearing my purry, furry, fake leopard coat.  He says It reminds him of his childhood... Both of us laughing. He tries it on.  And then he says the strangest thing?  "I've never seen a coat like this in the flesh" Then - oh my heart! - he remarks so deliciously on my warmth seeping from the coat into his skin... "Goodness - you're warm!"  Just for a few seconds it is as if I have held him, breathing animal heat and a golden radiance into the void of darkness and separation, confronting the narrative that fixes us in time and space. And then, the spell is broken. But talking instead about music...lost music. As if heard in fairy hills...And then my assignment. He is telling me that the presenting issue a client brings is often like a thin crust over the real problem. And in response I divert us down an intellectual worm hole pursuing the importance of paradox in therapy - and more to the point - what would a meta dox be?  Here now in 2023 my ability to...

Paradoxical and confusing. He opens the door to me and right away he begins with,  chit-chat. Years away from this  - and I have many hours' experience of finding people who have arrived to talk with me, lost outside the building; in the rain, the sun, the wind. Some are anxious, some are smiling anticipating telling their story and needing to feel better, many people are confused - all just people, and hopes and fears.  And then into the peace of the therapy room... But I never begin with chit-chat about me. Ever. So what is happening? Of course I enjoy it, he's talking to me about him.  Like I'm being let in, just a tiny, tiny bit. And then he sits down and we are back to my research proposal, hooray! And he is very clear in his mind that a trauma in the present, confirms the trauma of the past.  A reanimation, that occurs not to resolve it - but to confirm it - because it feels normal.  Observing his way of thinking is like watching someone trying to ...

'Chit chat' he talks, tells me his news.  He starts with 'is there anything that you would like to explore'   and I reply with the same question. 'Is there something that you would like to explore? Adding 'or I will just ramble'  . Meaning I will be Tangential.... and that wont do for you! He  - There is something..." And he talks about the clients for whom therapy is really at an end but they still arrive each week to talk about their latest expedition to the supermarket.  Not a good sign. Why is he doing this - he's the one doing chit-chat, not me. He says - oh, but in your case therapy is mandatory... OK, here we are again! The door to the plane - he is trying to prise the door open!  Why doesn't he speak plainly, I feel pulled into guessing the implications of his words. I'm thinking that surely this is because he perceives how I feel about him, in his heart, in his very bones. And he can't, wont talk about it? As much as I empath...

He - "How are you"? Me - "I'm fine..." And I would say " Fine! Hey how are you"?   But I don't.  I've been told that I'm tangential, and if I talk it will be labyrinthine; long, coiling, discursive.  Tangential.   His silence, is wide open waiting.  Even though I do this silence thing myself too, I feel obliged to fill it. I go full tangential - I'm talking about episodic and autobiographical memory, and the work of Tulvig  and I know that anything like this is considered cold, and CBT, and he will see it as  tangential to the relational work of therapy.  But I have assignments to write, and I'm chasing Evan George's statement that 'our' work is to help people create future memories. I love that idea, future memories! That we step through past, future, present - to find the better in the past, to place instances of good memories into a functional sequence, coherent and believable and possible. Using memory is such ric...

As if I've stepped into in a spider's web. I dare not move... That which creates dizzying flights,  Desiring the moon... Will bring instead my Destruction. As a fox. I run! The hounds see movement. A flash of red. On fallen leaves, Darkens their teeth and matted fur  The awfulness of the last session. Frozen, and torn. Gives The death-blow to  Truth. He asks me - 'Two weeks ago. What happened?  Me -"My first thought is - is this a good idea going back to what happened? He is puzzled Me -"Why wouldn't it be a good idea - so the aim of this is what?" He says then we would find out what happened. I really, really do not think that this is a good idea! But he is going to do it! He begins to tell me why things were problematic for me! Me -"I need to stop you there. Things were not problematic for me, they were problematic for you. This is a problem for you.  Because I was in a situation that didn't make any sense to me. Suddenly I was in a situation...

The room is  cold. Air filters...breathe out  glacial air. Like being on a space ship. He talks about  disinfecting  surfaces. [Definitions of contrariness. Deliberate and stubborn unruliness and resistance to guidance or discipline. Synonyms: perverseness, perversity.] There isn't a good way to describe this session It began well enough - but that was deceptive, The intent was not good, not good at all! He had made a list of subjects I'd suggested from our emails:  Symbolization.  Emails and contracting. A nd 'script analysis'.  He said that he was becoming aware of a theme... And in particular, he wished to talk directly about emails and contracting. I am lost and bewildered. Why he is asking me this? In level 2 it often felt as if we talked about nothing else! I remember having to make myself learn contracting as a script. For the life of me now, I have no idea why it seemed so difficult. I guess training works! He explains the standard use of emai...

Again, he starts with 'chit chat' - chit chat being his term for fluffy conversation - and it is nice. Yet I have no idea what to make of it. Is this part of the 'Kohuts' - 'Twinship' or, or is it 'real'?  Could it be indicative of his trust in me, of our pleasure in being together for the purpose of discussion? Or is this an act? I have no idea.  And it is exhausting! So I take everything on face value. This is chit chat. This is all I can know right now. He goes into the kitchen to make me a cup of coffee. When he returns I continue the 'chit chat' and we are  metaphorically in Hereford cathedral. We are talking about the Mappa Mundi - and I feel as if we are there, together - when he suddenly says 'It's funny light - do we need the light on ' ?  I say, 'it's the time of year and I'm ok' and he says 'good, because I'm ok as well' .  And this synchrony breaks my heart wide open.  He asks me, 'wher...