Power and subspace.

If you rewind back to here [+] there is an image of me, on my knees, my husband's boot is pressed into my back - and it really wasn't an erotic experience. During that BDSM phase I partitioned the probability that his version of domination wouldn't reach me, whilst hoping that that it would, eventually. Due to a really awful experience years before, a whole universe of catastrophically traumatic memories were locked in my body. I'd experienced the splitting that occurs when one's body reacts in a way that the mind cannot accept, and I wanted to go back there, to re-experience that with someone I trusted; to restore my sense of being able to chose, and to take back control. 

So, all this is difficult to unravel, perhaps the most difficult thing for me to pick up on as I recall my experiences, is the role transgression plays. My guess is that the transgression has to break the submissive's rules, to create the altered state known as subspace. 

Kit calling me a minx, was not exactly the best example of counselling technique, but I don't think he could ever have imagined how transgressive it felt to me. 

Nor would he have recognized that a power exchange had occurred, and it occurred I think, because I was letting him hear of something I was ashamed of... because a part of me is ashamed that my husband reacted to me as he did. I was a part of that, so I'm part of it.

But back to BDSM, there is more to it than the outer. Being rendered powerless to speak or to move can be traumatic, or it can create a sense of total safety. I loved being tied for instance. When tied I abandoned all hope and fear. That was a learnt response I think? But, being rendered powerless or enacting powerlessness ( as I was in the photo) isn't the same thing as an energy exchange. I'm not sure yet what makes it an exchange, but the first task is to willingly offer power to another. And the usual description of this state in English is vulnerability. 

Vulnerability is a term usually applied to someone who is in so much need they are at risk of exploitation. In the BDSM world, there is an imperative to value emotional honesty and negotiation, because these skills act as safeguards against abuse. So instead of treating someone as if they are vulnerable and trying to protect and shield them, you both get psychologically naked. 

Whatever vulnerability is, it can either be honoured or dishonoured.

Kit assumed that I was vulnerable because I'd told him that I was in love with him. I think his word - bashful - gives the clue as to how he thinks of this. But my state of mind as I entered his room and he began to tell me how unexpected my declaration had been, was closer to that of someone coming out, it was a kind of pride, certainly no shame. 

But, energy exchange? 

Ah yes, a very submissive style energy exchange had occurred!

Because I felt that I would be restoring his power through my honesty - for he would now be able to understand the eddies and whirlpools, any undercurrents he may have perceived! 

And of course I automatically expected emotional honesty and negotiation! As in BDSM there is no expectation of behaviour or feelings (until negotiated!) no right or wrong answers (unless pre-negotiated!) only authentic or inauthentic communication.

I'd expected from a psychotherapist a level of ethical conduct I'd expect from a Dom - and I did not get that!

And here's another thought! 

It was as if the therapy contract was closer to that of Master slave - no safe word, no negotiation, no allowances for the slave to stop the scene. 

My husband had wanted a Master slave contract with me...but that's for another post.