Power and subspace.

If you rewind back to here [+] there is an image of me, on my knees, my husband's his boot is pressed into my back - and it really wasn't an erotic experience. During that BDSM phase I partitioned the probability that his version of domination wouldn't reach me, whilst hoping that that could change eventually. A whole universe of catastrophically traumatic memories were locked in my body. I'd experienced the splitting that occurs when one's body reacts in a way that the mind cannot accept, and I wanted to go back there, to re-experience that with someone I trusted; to restore my sense of being able to chose, and to take back control. 

So, all this is difficult to unravel, perhaps the most difficult thing for me to pick up on as I recall my experiences, is the role transgression plays. My guess is that the transgression has to break the submissive's rules, to create the altered state known as subspace. Kit calling me a minx, was not exactly the best example of counselling technique, but I don't think he could ever have imagined how transgressive it felt to me. Nor would he have recognized that a power exchange had occurred, and it occurred I think, because I was letting him hear of something I was ashamed of... because a part of me is ashamed that my husband reacted to me as he did. I was a part of that, so I'm part of it.

Being rendered powerless to speak or to move can be traumatic, or it can create a sense of total safety. I loved being tied for instance. When tied I abandoned all hope and fear. But, being rendered powerless or enacting powerlessness ( as I was in the photo) isn't the same thing as an energy exchange. I'm not sure yet what makes it an exchange, but the first task is to willingly offer power to another. And the usual description of this state in English is vulnerability. I don't think it is as simple as that, in the BDSM world, emotional honesty and negotiation are the skills that act as safeguards against abuse. So instead of treating someone as if they are vulnerable and trying to protect and shield them, you both get psychologically naked.

Kit used that term, assuming that I was vulnerable because I'd told him that I was in love with him, automatically. Having missed out and continuing to miss out the times I really was vulnerable. I think my state was closer to that of someone coming out, it was a kind of pride I felt, certainly no shame. I felt as if I'd restored his power through my honesty, but there was no exchange. Instead I felt as if he was catastrophically draining all my power away. Literally rendering me powerless in a traumatic way, by not meeting honesty with honesty.

Well, that's as far as I can go with this right now.

But I will return to this subject.