A discussion on the meaninglessness of syllables. 21st February 2022.

Grey skies.

Rain.

I want to write to him and say...surely it doesn't have to be this way.

For my heart really is breaking.

He - "Hello -The usual"?

Me - "The usual."

Then questions about heating and lighting -I sigh. 

I sound beaten.

Done...

It's over.

And I say - "I keep meaning to bring fairy lights..."

He - "Is it that dark! Fairy lights in the therapy room. it would be like Christmas everyday wouldn't it"

Me - "The ones at home are just little stars on copper wire"

He - "Be nice if it was a children's therapy I think"

Me - "Hmm, children would interact with them - but by 15 years old, it would probably be OK"

He - "Yes - but a 15 year old would probably consider them childish"

He asks about my assignments, I talk about comparing the three modalities of psychodynamic, humanistic and CBT. We now seem to be at crossed purposes. He is arguing that CBT isn't on the 'same par' as psychodynamic or humanistic modalities, because it derives from behaviorist theories. And also...

He is saying - "...Erm, there are cats there are dogs and there are - I don't know - koalas, well that's not the same because cats are a broad category, dog is a huge broad category, but koalas are marsupials, so marsupial is a broad category so, do you see what I'm getting at"?

Bizarrely as it may seem, I think I do. But this isn't significant. I don't set the assignments. I'd like to believe that the paradoxical and irrational nature of so much of our work at college is but a cunning plan, a way to condition our minds - like a psychological hair conditioner - to erase tangles and make us smooth and sweet scented, to teach us to stop trying to put things into categories! He has arrived in his seat of power via a different route, but also he is beginning to sound like a true believer.  

Ultimately though, my college course inadvertently became the perfect primer for my future in postmodern therapies.

But meanwhile, this conversation is rapidly becoming a comedy

He - "So the marsupial koala is a kind of CBT thing, but saying koala instead of marsupial"

Me - "Yes, and it's not simple. There are lots of cross overs and parallels, divergencies. It is interesting and it is complex. But in college, we just have to write whatever our tutor believes"

He - "It's very sad if stringing together a whole set of stock phrases is going to get you marks"

When has it ever been otherwise! I go on to explain Tuckman's five stages of team development, this is part of our training and I don't know why I don't take seriously: norming, forming, storming, performing..

And Belbin...In Belbin world I'm a plant!

Me - "You may as well use astrological birth signs"! 

He - "How does this help you?"

Then I'm talking about the bouba kiki test which I think makes sense!

He - "Since they are nonsense words, how can anybody mark it?

Me - "Because it is consensus - it is about consensus reality. 

I respond to his expression.

Me - "No no no, it makes sense - because all language is consensus"

He - "No, meaningful language is consensus"

Me - "All language is meaningless until it has acquired meaning"

He - "No it isn't! 

Me - "Is it not?"

He - "To be language it has to be meaningful"

Me - "Not at first, it is sound that acquires meaning"

He - "Well any sound without meaning isn't language"

Me - "Exactly, but language can bring in other sounds to become language; new words - sounds - to become a part of the language. But originally, those syllables were meaningless "

He - "Well all syllables are meaningless because they are not words" 

Me - "But the sound of a word, words are made of syllables, has texture and often they fit in with pre-existing rules"

He - "No, this is nonsense".

Me - "No, because all you know of this is what you have understood from me and I possibly have not conveyed it in a way that conveys adequate meaning."

The thought it must be my fault that he doesn't understand indicates that I hold his intelligence in high regard.

Me - "Language can bring in other sounds, words that were originally meaningless and they become meaningful, they acquire meaning through context"

He - "Well all syllables are meaningless - they are not words - unless it is a word which is also a syllable like a.."

I hear the penny drop.

Me - "But the sound of a word conveys texture, and fits in with rules - perhaps pre-existing rules?"

He - "No, this is nonsense. Let me give you an example - degarlog - is that sharp, or it that dull?"

Me - "It's not sharp, it's kind of long with a rounded end"

He -  "It's neither, it's the name of a language. And a language can't be sharp and a language can't be dull"

Me - "It is a word that has a meaning already, but sounds have textures. And this question is about context, so the question does the word have dullness or sharpness remains salient."

He - "So all the words in this test have to be words for objects that don't exists"

Me - "But they do exist insomuch as seeing the symbol; the words on the webpage have meaning via conversion from the retina of the eye into synapses firing in the brain, resonating with a whole set of pre-existing memories encoded in synapses"

He - "How is this helpful"

Me - "How is this helpful"?

I refrain from saying - well, there was the tiny table last week remember? And one of us is willing to talk about how they feel, and what is going on. One of us is able to be completely honest and speak from the heart- whilst the other says that he's not allowed to speak! How am I so powerful enough to be able to stop you from being able to speak? 

I don't say this only because I think he'd hurl me out of the metaphorical plane we are in!

Me - "I think it is an interesting subject. I think it does fit my concept of what somebody who makes - is it social mistakes - in terms of being unable to pick up nuances of tone of voice and language. Some people aren't so good at it - picking up nuances in how words are said, and body language. So there is something about this being able to convert, or rather, to be in accord with the majority"

And this is heresy, for those who see the natural human capacity to be conditioned by others as the great problem! I'm describing mutual conditioning as how we create shared worlds.

Me - "It seems an interesting test"

He - "So people are judged under a majority verdict which in itself is a logical fallacy because the majority view isn't always the correct one, on what a word sounds like, that aren't really words, they are just meaningless vocalizations. So there is no actual right answer , and yet people are judged on a scale. It makes no sense! I must be autistic based on this!" 

Me - "You don't know, you have not done the test" 

He - "Well I know I'm not autistic, but I do know that this is nonsense" 

Me - "No, I'm not sure that you do know that this is nonsense, because all you know is what you have understood from me and I may not have conveyed it accurately. You would have to judge for yourself through exploring it."

Do I feel that he is prejudiced against this information because I'm the one saying it? 

Yes, I do.

He - "It also suggests, if your last example is right, that there is a real connection between people's understanding of nonsense non-words and their social skills"

To be honest, that's just a guess that I'm making!

He - "And I don't think there is a necessary connection"

Me - "Social skills? I mean consensus (resonance) between people; through understanding the tone, the feel...I mean the word ' slithy' does make sense. And 'brillig', it does make sense.

He - "But we can't define the words because they are nonsense"

Enough!

He - How does this give us any useful information"?

Me - "Define useful"

He - "Something which is of practical consequence, something that increases the store of knowledge in a falsifiable way"

Me - "It is fun!"

He - "So no to all of the above"

Me - "Is fun testable? I suppose there may be a way to test fun, do you think?!"

He - "Well that doesn't really - it doesn't lead to knowledge"

Me - "So you are saying fun has to be useful or that fun isn't useful? But fun can lead to knowledge, and you are saying that knowledge is information that has to be useful"

He - "But putting meaning to meaningless sounds, how does that get us anywhere?"

Clearly a man who has not played Myst.

Me - "Getting anywhere? Where are we supposed to be getting to"?

He - "Well the whole thing was predicated wasn't it, on giving us information about meaning, about sound and language and something to do with personality. It doesn't tell us anything about that"

Me - "I disagree, it has given us loads of information.....because a significant number of people agree that word x indicates a rounded object, and word y indicates a sharp object " 

He - "Lets reframe the question - does it tell us anything useful about the world that is worth knowing"

Me - "Worth knowing is a value judgment - you might not find it useful, or valuable but somebody else might. I don't know" 

He - "I can't imagine who that person would be!"

And then I'm talking about Tulvig and  George Herbert Mead, and how the autonomic nervous system effects memory and timelines and how I am playing with time as I use language - changing the past in the present, by talking about the future by bringing experiences from the past. 

After I'd been talking about how I follow the energy more than meanings of client's words, he is talking about getting in touch with forbidden feelings - how people feel that to do so will break them but.."It never does" So, what were his feelings?

And what's going on here, and what happened? There was a lot of laughter...I think we get on, I also believe that he can't abide me. All I know is, I'm trying to convince him that I'm his equal, that I'm unique, that I'm good to be around so that he doesn't want to say goodbye to me - ever. Underneath all this is the reason why I set out to be the therapist who can wade into a family dynamic and  reflect back the hope and genius of each person I talk with. 

It makes me sad to write this, contacting a deep pool of sadness and need for him. I had the good sense to keep my eye fixed on the distant horizon seeking any star to trust as my True North. I couldn't metaphorically look down. I couldn't consider that I wasn't good enough to win. The awfulness of this situation; his insistence on dogma, evoking the  'Ethical Framework'  as for my protection was enough for me to know that I'm powerless. I'm being crucified...Yet I believed in myself and so there were but two options - to fight, or to die.

Death had started this.

It was always going to be a part of this.

The horror of the rail tracks set my course, by level 5 Death followed me through the darkened corridors of the hospital. Death was waiting for me each time in psychosis my son directed his rage and terror at me. Death was always there. Death was closest to me the evening before my husband was about to be beaten up by her husband. I didn't care if I lived or died. Something had to break...I had had enough pain, fear and condescension, more than I could take. Only the thought of what allowing my death to happen, of making it happen, would be like for my children kept me here. And now, loss and more grief - if I let him throw me out. 

This charade of client - therapist has to end.