A discussion on the meaninglessness of syllables. 21st February 2022.

Grey skies.

Rain.

I want to write to him and say...surely it doesn't have to be this way.

For my heart really is breaking.

I come in.

Questions about heating and lighting -I sigh. 

I sound beaten.

Done...

It's over.

He asks about my assignments, I talk about comparing the three modalities of psychodynamic, humanistic and CBT. We now seem to be at crossed purposes. He is arguing that CBT isn't on the 'same par' as psychodynamic or humanistic modalities, because it derives from behaviourist theories. And also...

He is likening CBT to marsupials - then asks me if I see what he is getting at?

Bizarrely as it may seem, I think I do. But this isn't significant. I don't set the assignments. I'd like to believe that the paradoxical and irrational nature of so much of our work at college is but a cunning plan, a way to condition our minds - like a psychological hair conditioner - to erase tangles and make us smooth and sweet scented, to teach us to stop trying to put things into categories! He has arrived in his seat of power via a different route, but also he is beginning to sound like a true believer.  

Ultimately though, experiences such as thinking of CBT as a type of marsupial and the insanity of some of the things I experienced as part of my college course inadvertently became the perfect primer for my future in postmodern therapies.

But meanwhile, this conversation is rapidly becoming a comedy

He  tells me that 'the marsupial koala is a kind of CBT thing...'

Is it surprising that eventually this warps into something else, I'm talking about the bouba kiki test which I think makes sense!

We don't agree about this.

At a certain  point he asks - 'How is this helpful?'

Me - "How is this helpful"?

I refrain from saying - well, there was the tiny table last week remember? And one of us is willing to talk about how they feel, and what is going on. One of us is able to be completely honest and speak from the heart- whilst the other says that he's not allowed to speak! How am I so powerful enough to be able to stop you from being able to speak? 

I don't say this only because I think he'd hurl me out of the metaphorical plane we are in!

I go back to the safer shore of the bouba kiki

Me - "I think it is an interesting subject. I think it does fit my concept of what somebody who makes - is it social mistakes - in terms of being unable to pick up nuances of tone of voice and language. Some people aren't so good at it - picking up nuances in how words are said, and body language. So there is something about this being able to convert, or rather, to be in accord with the majority"

And this is heresy, for those who see the natural human capacity to be conditioned by others as the great problem! I'm describing mutual conditioning as how we create shared worlds.

Me - "It seems an interesting test"

And he tells me that he knows that it is nonsense" 

Me - "No, I'm not sure that you do know that this is nonsense, because all you know is what you have understood from me and I may not have conveyed it accurately. You would have to judge for yourself through exploring it."

Do I feel that he is prejudiced against this information because I'm the one saying it? 

Yes, I do.

Referring to the buba kiki he says again, how is this useful'?

Me - "Define useful"

He use defines useful as something that increases the store of knowledge in a falsifiable way', I argue that the test is fun! It enables play. But statistically it seems to show something. He describes the bouba kiki as putting meaning to meaningless sounds, then asks again, 'how does that get us anywhere or anything worth knowing?'

Clearly a man who has not played Myst.

Me - "Getting anywhere? Where are we supposed to be getting to?  'Worth knowing is a value judgment - you might not find it useful, or valuable but somebody else might. I don't know" 

And then I'm talking about Tulvig and  George Herbert Mead, and how the autonomic nervous system effects memory and timelines and how I am playing with time as I use language - changing the past in the present, by talking about the future by bringing experiences from the past. And that I follow the energy more than meanings of client's words.

Then he is talking about getting in touch with forbidden feelings - how people feel that to do so will break them but.."It never does" . Does he know that? I have seen the opposite...

So, what were his feelings- because mine are never to be spoken of again to him 2/1/22 and 14/2/22 explain why! It makes me sad to write this, contacting a deep pool of sadness and need for him. I had the good sense to keep my eye fixed on the distant horizon seeking any star to trust as my True North. I couldn't metaphorically look down. I couldn't consider that I wasn't good enough to transform this into something truthful. The awfulness of this situation; his insistence on dogma, evoking the  'Ethical Framework'  as for my protection was enough for me to know that I'm powerless. I'm being crucified...Yet I believed in myself and so there were but two options - to fight, or to die.

Death had started this.

It was always going to be a part of this.

The horror of the rail tracks set my course, by level 5 Death followed me through the darkened corridors of the hospital. Death was waiting for me each time in psychosis my son directed his rage and terror at me. Death was always there. Death was closest to me the evening before my husband was about to be beaten up by her husband. I didn't care if I lived or died. Something had to break...I had had enough pain, fear and condescension, more than I could take. Only the thought of what allowing my death to happen, of making it happen, would be like for my children kept me here. And now, loss and more grief - if I let him throw me out. 

This charade of client - therapist has to end.

Transcript