Rupture...

I've only experienced one serious rupture with a therapist, once. 

I had said that I needed to go directly into the three states of autonomic nervous system stress; I needed to be able to report back from dorsal vagal 'lock-down' so that together we could get a coherent image of the landscape. 

And I said that I had a way to do this experiment.

My metaphor was mapping. Terror, could be redefined as terra incognito, a land I could map and prepare to navigate. And this seemed pretty important to me! My son wasn't as ill as he was going to be, but already I was experiencing the awful, dark, bloodless and cold paralysis I associate with a dorsal vagal state. 

My husband's first known infidelity had just come to light. 

I was in a bad way.

I said that I had three safe ways to enter each of the three vagal states, represented by the three landscapes in games I played.

The Endless Forest - represents upper, human, synchronising  non-verbal, safe communication. It is a mad game, I wont explain it! But it became my safe space. I would go and dance as a beautiful deer, with other beautiful deer in a forest! It can be borderline creepy at times, unpredictable, strange, but rather like being at school for the first day - suddenly in a world with others and no idea of the rules!

Quake 3 Arena - is pure fight and flight. If you had asked me before I'd ever played a computer game if I'd enjoy this, I'd have said absolutely NO! I started gaming with Myst, so Half Life was a massive shock and it took a great leap from a story based game to this apparently mindless insanity. There is no fear in this game. Frustration! But that's as bad as it gets. I adore Quake 3 Arena.

Doom 3 - a dorsal vagal descent into paralysing fear. How did I get through - twice - I went back and played the second time in Nightmare mode. It was a horrible experience, but I needed to face fear. I needed to practice. And in the light of what was to come, I'm so glad that I dared the demon infested darkness! Because it was nothing compared to the awfulness of the hospital experiences, and the pain and resentment that destroyed our family.

I'd observed that when I played Doom, I would get to a state beyond paralysis (yes, I found the game that bad) and that next stage was a kind of slo-mo super concentration when everything becomes hyper-clear. I certainly needed to trust in that hyper clarity when we were in the police car being rushed to the hospital. 

But, right now, even watching the film clip brings me quite close to the first stage, the shut down!

So, I described all the above to the therapist (not Kit) and said I'd bring my beautiful gaming laptop, so I could go into the three 'places' and we could map the sensations and the way of thinking each place brings with it. 

She agreed, or I thought that she had agreed.

When I arrived the following week, I got out my laptop and she said 'No' and seemed offended that I'd brought my laptop. And this was a most incredibly painful rupturing of our therapeutic alliance! I really needed to understand paralysing fear! She was stopping me, she wouldn't help me with what I so needed! I don't remember the rest of the session, but nevertheless I did indeed come back the following week and...we talked about it. The painful rupture was transformed. I learnt that ruptures are precious opportunities, possibly one of the most powerful things a person can experience in therapy. A rupture takes you into the heart of abandonment and powerlessness, and into the most difficult emotions and reactions you might be able to keep out of the room otherwise.

So, what did she do right? 

A rupture is - I don't remember who said this - a rupture is opportunity and threat. And if for both people the relationship is more important than whatever we are in conflict about, there will be communication. But the communication has the quality of reciprocal subjectivity, both people will recognise and reflect on the nature of their own and the other's experiences. There is a willingness to stay present and to ride out the waves of emotion.

A rupture is violated expectation, and to find out what was expected, and how it was violated requires both people to listen to each other, validate difference and build trust. And that is a collaborative process. The alternatives, to just go, or to say nothing and ignore is ultimately neglect, whilst to voice it or to stay quiet out of loyalty, keeps hope alive and the possibility of repair.  Loyalty can be too scared of what will happen if I speak up - so I will keep notes and make recordings and hope that one day we can look at what actually happened. There is a trust that things can be repaired here. When I first arrived for therapy with Kit I was in the loyalty quadrant regarding my husband. And Kit did his best to push me into thinking that exit was the only right way to go. 

And again, Kit just hit exit on any reparation or deep exploration of or about what happened in my therapy....this is his process. It isn't good. I can never let it be mine. The 'Brian Thorne' session ended any possibility of therapy work with me. 

Didn't I say I wasn't going to write about him anymore? 

Anyway, the outcome of the rupture? 

Basically understanding rupture, our need to connect and to survive, and how to be safe became the foundation for how I work as a therapist. I will say that again. It created the foundation for my work, and without the rupture and our kind and gentle and brave reparation, I wouldn't have learnt the lessons I so needed to get.

Kit's response to mild rupture continued. From my expectation in the first instance that he'd welcome me bringing any mild misalliance in to awareness and onward until. Failing to deal with small ruptures meant that a far more serious rupture could never be spoken of. It was framed as and mentioned by him as 'you (meaning me) were having all sorts of difficulties with the ethical framework if I remember correctly' so much for  reciprocal subjectivity, and collaboration.

So very briefly where am I with the complaint?

I need to prepare my evidence, that is the next step. Prepare as if I'm going to send it all to his ethical body. This means I am willing to be that terrible, ignorant person threatening his identity, his peace of mind, his ability to practice. Except I should have done this as soon as he told me to 'let it go'. 

The same evidence will go to the original ethical body he was under when he worked with me.

If it comes to this.

Once my evidence is collected and assembled I will send it to him first. Then he has some time. I think a month is enough, to come up with a proposal about what needs to done next. I've been wondering about in the Endless Forest, time to pick up my rocket launcher and head into the Arena? But even if it goes all DooM 3? I've certainly experienced far worse and got through.