How to stay sane when someone is using a denial process.

 A quick recap:

• The person using denial will create an altered reality. 
• It will be an interlocking web of denial statements and narratives. 
• They will import reasonable arguments to support their unreason. 
• They will use deception.
• They will re-frame using kindly terms for cruel words or actions. 
• And they will tell you again and again how nice and reasonable they are being...

My advice - to myself - go re-read Marshall Rosenburg's book: Non-Violent Communication and remember, judgments of others point to one's own un-met needs. So, take into account what is going on inside you. But don't do this to dismiss your intuition, gut feelings or fear.

Problem. 

So, imagine that you are in a situation that isn't OK. 

Antidote.

Make notes. Make recordings. The purpose of notes and recordings is to raise your awareness. Incidentally, what is it that they want you to rubber stamp for them? When you are clear in your own mind about what you need to change - You let them know that something isn't right, that you will need their input to sort things out, and think of how to request that you both negotiate a safe way to do this..

But, if their denial process kicks in - they will avoid taking any responsibility...and:

Problem.

They demand that you see them as credible and agree that you are the problem.

Antidote.

No doubt there will be many good things about them. But, refer to your notes and recordings. Check again, what is actually happening. If they believe that you are the cause of your distress, this is their problem not yours. You have done them a service by bringing what happened to their attention.

Problem.

Their communication doesn't address what happened, it looks like they are trying to frustrate you.

Antidote.

Find a safe way to be angry about this that doesn't involve them! It is very possible that they want you to be angry. If you express any frustration they will say 'see how irrational you are'! So, do your very best not to go there.

Problem.

They expect you to forget about it, to let them off, and to agree that what happened doesn't matter...

Antidote.

This is tough. If it is a work place dispute, push for mediation. If you are not in a situation where mediation is possible, seek support, don't let them off. It happened. This is now gaslighting.

Problem.

They want you to keep what happened secret. In effect for you to agree to keep their secret for them. In effect to help them preserve their false face.

Antidote.

At this point things can get nasty. They feel as if their identity is being threatened. Empathy may work, if you can find a way to show that you don't want anyone to be punished, you just want a recognition of the damage. But to someone deep in denial, empathy can sound like sarcasm. To soften and allow feeling is too dangerous for them, so this stage is extremely difficult and frustrating. As long as you know what happened, you can tell others. Where, when and how you will tell other people is now completely up to you. By now, the more people who know the better.

Problem.

They expect you to allow them to remain in power.

Antidote.

Consider, what effect might this have on others? It is probable that what happened to you is going to happen again to someone else. This is why their power is potentially a liability. And assess your own resources, how do you get resources enough to skilfully shift power?

Good luck!