23rd May 2025.
Where her husband was waiting...
His car was a write off afterwards.
The photo reminds me of how much better I felt. Gaslighting ended. The earth was the earth once more, the sky only sky...
Truth, even the worst truth is so much better than lies.
But the 23rd. Between the garden gate and the car, there is the tree. The memory joins and flows into the feeling of walking out of Kit's room for the last time on the 23rd.
The end, Muxia...too close.
No smashed car moment, no sense of finally getting the truth. As I sat by the tree, as I walked away from his room...
Meanwhile in the present I'm observing the consequences of another 'reparative' relationship. A male therapist, a colleague, not James - let's call him David, has worked intensely with a woman who came to therapy to heal from gaslighting...but now David doesn't understand why she askes him what he is feeling, and the atmosphere feels uncomfortable for him.
David doesn't think that she has those kinds of feelings about him though. He is genuinely puzzled by the emotional turbulence of their sessions.
It looks like therapists, or specifically male therapists honestly can't acknowledge that clients really do fall in love with them.
And I simply can't believe that they are not aware..
I really need to interview David and James!
There are other kinds of transference - traumatic transference in particular will cause confusing and conflicting energies in the room.
Asking about 'erotic transfer'...
It feels quite transgressive though.
To ask...
Both men are extremely nurturing and aim only to empower their clients. James certainly didn't have erotic feelings about his client. But was that even what was going on? All I know is, he had to end the sessions.
So I think I'm back to the idea of long term, reparative work as potentially detrimental. Risking dependency, and undoing any good if the erotic isn't recognised and honoured!
Thinking about my view makes me feel like I'm standing on thin ice. The relationship is what heals, we know this. So I don't like picking away at it.
But on the other hand it seems pretty important to create clarity, beyond cliché, and sentimentality.
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