What was my safe word?
My husband broke our contract for a contracted 'non-monogamy'. And that certainly was a problem! It had felt like an act of deliberate violence to our partnership. Open communication between us after this was never going to be easy.
But, I'd promised...
When I first spoke to Kit, I couldn't explain what happened from the the non-vanilla perspective. Nor could I easily identify with that role anymore. I had told myself that I'd failed as a submissive, and that no one vanilla understands submission.
And what has my submissive past got to do with Kit?
I'd been open with my first therapist when I'd thought that I'd broken my contract with my husband. What had happened? I'd been hit too hard during a scene and gone into disassociation - the paralysed, unable to speak version of me- shocked beyond using my safe word.
The therapist pointed out that I'd agreed to this.. But I wasn't a slave.
There is a difference between submissive and slave.
As a slave I'd have agreed to be unable to stop the scene.
Self abandoning fits into the slave-Master dynamic.
The therapist wasn't kink aware enough, or we plain disagree - but I didn't disagree with her at the time because I'd already slipped into the black waters. At that time I too didn't know enough about BDSM to be able to say that what happened to me was not only technically wrong, but also dangerous.
A year later, sessions with Kit began via zoom...no privacy.
And then I fell for him.
Of course, none of this falling for was predictable, I don't see how it might have been possible to know from his website page. There 'he sounded like he was a Buddhist' and his room looked golden. He didn't look attractive, he looked short and more like a jester than a therapist. I chose him because he said that he worked with PTSD.
Anyway!
I was wrong.
I fell for him!
So, was this erotic transfer - or was it closer to kink?
The observable fact is that the subject he had studied before therapy, made him my ideal man! But yes, what I know about me because of kink, gives me some insight.
In our first sessions I framed my husband's infidelity in vanilla terms, because I was in my home; it was zoom, and I didn't know how he would react. I had been very insecure over my role in my marriage. My husband had wanted me to shift into slave status and he had acted as if I'd agreed to that.
I hadn't agreed!
Regardless, when I'd failed to use my safe word, and then expressed my upset, a part of me now was blaming myself for speaking up for myself. Under the rules, showing how hurt I was, criticising Sir, and for my my incandescent, self-protective rage (when fear took hold!) I could see myself as out ot order.
But I had not agreed to be a slave, nor would I ever...but...a part of me sees myself as having failed, and I felt ashamed.
I didn't think that Kit would understand, this is not Rogers!
It is a lot closer to a religious sensibility, really.
And when I told Kit that after work, my husband would give her a lift home, via a few hours parked under the trees. Kit semi-exploded saying "F*** me!" and appeared to fall off his chair! Now, as much as I appreciated his outrage on my behalf, his outrage was a bit extreme and I'd heard what he'd just said.
I interpreted it as theatre - because I hadn't actually said anything that shocking. Except part of me wanted to hear it as his command.
And an outcome of the theatre or explosion was that I certainly wasn't going to talk about anything related to sex to a man so easily shocked!
Oh! The two things are linked - I've just noticed! In both incidents (f*** me and 'Minx') I was feeling shame as I spoke - both times I was seeing myself as deserving of my husband's cruelty, and both times Kit's response shocked me.
Kit's response to my shame, both times it was, well, it was transgressive....swearing isn't prohibited for therapists, but overall best to avoid. Calling me a minx though, that was way out of order.
That **** me command! Yes, I know it wasn't a command, it was just swearing to make a point for my benefit. I heard the command and my submissive sub-space endorphins kicked in, and so now I still feel that on some deeply inexplicable level of reality I'm given to Kit and I can't be un-given!
Another problem is how he speaks when he is being righteous, a tone he adopts sometimes...which is also, unfortunately a part of why he couldn't tolerate me, for clearly I am not righteous... But of course, there is a resonance there for me...
And I hear control.
Too easy to kneel and call him Sir.
Damn it!
Comments