The black river.



This is the finished song, for me it was the demo version on repeat. I think I was crouched on the floor by my computer - why? - this song through headphones. 

No idea at what stage in the awfulness it was. It took me down to a flowing river. Through a gap in the lockdown rimmed with shimmering heat and golden light.

To a field too wide to cross, living leaves - green parrots - above me, and deer. 

Almost The Endless Forest. 

Mars always with me. 

I went to London to spend a weekend with the man I'd gone to so many gigs with as the 1970s came to an end.

It was lughnasa - August.

Hot.

I remember the joy of turning one of the £20 notes my husband had got in payment for his smashed car, into a katsu curry. 

More importantly the lesson I brought home is that there are worse relationships to be found than in the one I have already with myself.  

And Kit was in my heart, no room for anyone else.

But...

But as Jon Frederickson points out: 

"To survive, animals must avoid predators; humans must avoid the loss of relationships... Therefore, any feeling threatening the safety of our primary relationship endangers our survival, triggering anxiety. Why does anxiety cause so many problems? A single experience is enough for a relationship-threatening feeling to trigger anxiety for a lifetime. Fear memories are permanent." Jon, Frederickson. Co-Creating Change: Effective Dynamic Therapy Techniques (p. 25). Seven Leaves Press. Kindle Edition. 

Fear memories are permanent.

Anxiety is a chalice full of poison, fail to transmute and...

The word vulnerability doesn't really cut it.

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