Penelope.

 or rather, what about all the suiters?

The mythos surrounding erotic transfer states that a likely cause (Factor X) of the transference is that the client is in need of an erotic relationship. This wasn't the case when I was caught up in the strangeness of my evening with The Man of Stars, nor did it fit with the Eleusis experience. And nor did it fit the moment when I fell for the 'love of my life'. 

Sometimes psychotherapeutic theory is as plausible as 'the diabetes model  of mental health' and Cupid's arrow. 

In the first two experiences (whilst Eleusis wasn't 'erotic' in any conventional sense) there was a link, something about 'us', a shared experience that made us fit like jigsaw puzzle pieces. This created the potential for a deeper and more vital, relational depth. The fascinating thing is, that the linking catches subliminally. Also it is about transition. There would not, could not be an 'us' in any conventional sense.

And it happened because The Man of Stars, like me, is a run towards kind of person (this refers to Fritz Perls description of himself, on hearing a bomb go off in the station he had just left, he turned, and ran towards the explosion). During 'Eleusis? I think my Tool brother and I simply relaxed into mutual trust' because both of us work that way with others. 

Generally though, most people are more inclined to run away. This is perhaps one of the things that makes counselling necessary. People are rightly apprehensive about the response they will receive from run-away-folk if they tell them their tales. 

Back to the erotic.

Since my husband left I have been on one date. He told me all about his PTSD, and how to avoid setting off claymores. We walked around on some hills. He drove me home and I said good night! I felt like I'd been at work. And I thought, is this how it is supposed to be? They drive you somewhere, I listen and then they expect to be asked in?

I didn't ask him in.

Around the time when my feelings for Kit were at the strangeness and charm stage, a boyfriend from almost 40 years ago (my music candy man) and I were engaged in hours of erotic conversation, usually during the early hours of the morning. Both of us word-smiths, it was fiery and extremely hot, sweet and tender too. The possibility that we had been star-crossed and destined to be together at the very end had been discussed - as I walked around a supermarket, phone never leaving my ear, some weeks before. 

In August of 2020 we had the one weekend away - after I celebrated Lughnasadha with a bonfire in my garden. I burnt all the rubbish that my husband had assembled whilst trying to make our garden more like hers (I kid you not). Blasting my marriage vows to bits was the obvious next move. And, it was so good to feel skin, and human warmth again. It was fun spending the money my husband had got for his car, on a katsu curry too (he only got £80 for the car) it felt illicit and like freedom.

But, he wasn't Kit. 

Since then? I don't actually remember much about suiters. I have two men who have declared their love for me. I assume, if anything really is 'star-crossed' then I and 'the love of my life' have a connection, as in we go out together and WhatsApp frequently, but there is no 'us'. 

I think about joining a dating site occasionally, and then remember everything I've been told by clients about what that's like. Every single client who stopped using the sites felt considerably better within a week or two.

But, erotic transfer?

Because I was already indulging in the most erotic of erotic conversations with a man I knew well enough to trust enough, what is in the theory of erotic transfer to explain this? Why fall for Kit? Why would I find my self running his construct through my mind? Why the strange visions? Strange visions that were not far from the truth, by the way. And they were so strange...until it all made sense. But this other side to Kit, his 'other life' (and I also got an impression of another, more hidden past) hit me like a freight train (ta Bob!) And this other life, the one that can be known about, it isn't something I have any real connection to. Not like The  Man of Stars, or the Eleusis experience.

I can only assume that we have a devastating , catastrophic experience in common?

That was so with the man of stars, and part of Eleusis.

Or I can rationalize that it all began because Kit was transgressive. Simply that? Transgression was Kit's word. This is what he tried to make me believe about myself, so trying to get me to see myself as transgression was a 'hot potato '? Who knows!

Anyway, the first descent began with his email and I have no reason to believe it was anything more than a kindness on his part. It wasn't to confirm or reschedule! And the shock led to me looking again, really attending to him, his process, the things he didn't say directly. 

Months later the confirmation, the missing information, the reason for my visions, 'hit me like a freight train'. It felt uncanny, and no one could have predicted it.

That realisation of the synergy was the second deep descent.

The next catabasis, the Mariana trench, heralded my total and irreparable ability to stop my feelings. The point of no return, was - and this is almost embarrassing - I was sitting on the floor, and I could smell his socks. A  crispy smell. I could imagine their texture. And despite myself I was swooning inside....and of course laughing as I melted, gooey, too far gone. And no, of course he wouldn't see or know this! What would have been different if I had shown it? I have no idea! Instead I simply held the truth of our human fragility, the truth of, my joy, the terror of death and decay,  the power of visceral disgust and the preciousness of it, the preciousness of this sacred moment.