The 3lack 3ox.

Freeware was never the correct term. Yet the term freeware captures the sense of my intention. When I finally found enough courage to write to the therapist asking for some kind of resolution process (February 2024) he maintained that as he hadn't done anything unethical, there could not be a legitimate problem. He told me that I needed to 'let it go'. I said that unless there was a resolution process the whole thing would be 'freeware'. In retrospect, this is how I let it go.  Creative Commons doesn't sound as exciting as freeware. This blog is CC, not freeware exactly, but my intention is the same. It means no copyright restriction. This story can't belong to me alone...it would live and die with me, and that wont do. As I have said elsewhere: copy and paste - this is the original.  From here on, the 3lack 3ox is Kit-less. Outcome - he now stands as a symbol for any therapist who makes it impossible for their client to understand what is occurring in th...

In interactions or performances the involved parties may be audience members and performers simultaneously; the actors usually foster impressions that reflect well upon themselves and encourage the others, by various means, to accept their preferred definition. Goffman acknowledges that when the accepted definition of the situation has been discredited, some or all of the actors may pretend that nothing has changed, provided that they find this strategy profitable to themselves or wish to keep the peace. For example, when a person attending a formal dinner—and who is certainly striving to present himself or herself positively—trips, nearby party-goers may pretend not to have seen the fumble; they assist the person in maintaining face. Goffman avers that this type of artificial, willed credulity happens on every level of social organization, from top to bottom. From Wiki Nothing new under the sun!  Trust those sociologists to have kept this as their secret (I joke). The problem is I...

  OK...so I honestly do not know where to start, because I've heard someone explain exactly what happened between Kit and I, and I feel sick and relieved, sad...but all of this, my whole blog and everything I've said. I feel like I stand at the edge of a cliff and I have to climb, not let go. The sensation of metaphorically throwing myself off is about oblivion, ending all my thoughts about this, letting go and just surrendering to a great big nothing - well that scares me more than trying to climb down. Because if I did that I'd be letting others down. The lecture has brought me to the edge! So there was a lecture about 'Erotic Transfer' from a person who had done his Masters researching how therapists understand their erotic feelings for their clients. As he explained his research and findings I felt as if I was being pulled in so many different directions; laugh or cry? I cried. He explained each stage I'd noticed about Kit's 'process' to such a ...

In many ways what I'm researching feels like small beans. The edge of where I live is festooned by flags, the Facebook group connected to my town is full of people saying how great it is to see such patriotism and pride. I tell myself that The Seer of Shepperton was here before me... Ballard, not good, not bad, an observer of the ultra-madness that people call sanity. Witness to the nuclear flash that ended his time in prison camps.  In Kingdom Come , The Seer of Shepperton describes the flags... So me, this? Small beans? Well perhaps. But if I am, then so is everyone and everything else, and I can't agree to that. I've had a lot of experience of the anaesthesia wrapped aesthetic of Utopia. It is a dehumanising toxic brew that has forever been swirling through every aspect of human life. From witnessing doctors explaining why distress is a kind of automatic response, and nothing to take seriously. To being on the receiving end of a very specific kind of absence from those w...

Not sure where I'm going with this, so I will just write and see.. Someone pointed me in the direction of Kendra, a woman who posted a succession of films about falling in love with her psychiatrist. I've only watched two YouTubes about her story so far - one from an expert in AI who was commenting mostly on how the 'magic mirror' quality of LLMs can reinforce error, as Kendra took to talking to two AIs about what happened. And the other YouTube is from a Dr in Seattle.  Briefly, Kendra's story begins this way:  Kendra believes that her psychiatrist had feelings for her, and 'bread crumbed' her into staying in therapy with him for four years. So, it is vital to try to understand if boundaries have been crossed because this is a serious allegation. But what if all the usual questions about boundaries and ethical conduct fail to address the real issue that underlies the problem? What If the psychiatrist acted in the best and most ethical way and despite all go...

Every so often the pain of it takes my breath away. A sensation of being crushed, unable to breathe in, and too exhausted to breath out. As if I'm trying to hold back a river, trying so hard not to drown. Reading my notes on the philosophical underpinnings of psychiatry just now, the trigger word was positivism. How positivism privileges objectivity so that the subjective truths of distress and panic wrapped in metaphor and sensations can be dismissed as brain chemistry...Or in Kit's words, how a statement such as 'my love is like a red, red rose' makes no sense when viewed through the lens of logical positivism.  And I feel right now as if I'm standing on a seesaw, trying to find the balance point as each side of my conflicting views of what happened, seeking understanding of what was actually happening, battle for dominance. He said something about a rose, something about logical positivism... https://thecoronaborealis.blogspot.com/2023/04/8th-november-2021.html A...

On Tuesday I wrote: Transgressive behaviour ... it felt like the ground vanished and I was bathed in flames.  And I wanted more... This isn't therapy.  Unless if you think being shot through with heroin is therapy? It certainly made me feel a thousand times better. But the effect of withdrawal can be lethal, worse than the pain it took away.  I needed to take it to supervision after writing that.  But my courage almost failed me.  The room is very blue. It is as if there is a blue haze, like being inside a translucent blue cloud. If I was being rational I'd say perhaps it's the effect of low wattage light bulbs! And supervision is a strange situation. Strange to go from zero to open vulnerable honesty with a person you see every four weeks in the same room, same day of the week, same time, everything the same!  Every so often I wonder how my supervisor does what Kit aspired to do, being present and absent at the same time but in the right way. I think...